Audacious Read Free Page A

look at how perfectly
    Perfect
    You are
    I want to disappear.
    Two:
    Once when Mom was sick
    She got so angry at me
    (And at you
    But you had already run off)
    That she screamed at me
    I would trade both you girls
    For Gabriel!
    Three:
    There’s a dark black hole in the past
    Somewhere in junior high.
    A cold place where nothing can escape
    Don’t fall in
    And if you do fall in, look for me
    Because that something dark and cold
    Won’t let me go.
    Four:
    At my worst moments
    I blame you for your cloud
    Of giggling friends and confidence
    Because I was trying to be you
    Observing and emulating so intently
    I lost my footing in the fog
    And nearly died for it.

WHAT I DO SAY
    Is it about the thing ?
    Kayli says
    The “thing” I don’t quite
    Want to remember or discuss.
    It’s about a boy, I say
    A boy? Really?
    Don’t act so surprised
    Sorry. What’s his name?
    Samir
    What kind of name is that?
    It’s a Muslim name
    You rebel! How exotic
    Nothing has happened
    So why are you crying?
    Because nothing has happened
    So make it happen
    It’s not that easy
    Sure it is. Men are all alike
    Not Samir.
    (I don’t bother wondering
    How my fourteen-year-old sister
    Knows so much about men.)
    He likes me
    But he can’t have a girlfriend.
    So he just wants to…
    No! Nothing like that.
    It’s his religion or something.
    Religion, Kayli says with a sniff.
    It screws everything up.
    Especially sex.

chapter six
    ANGELS
    SPARE
    We prep canvases
    Painting gesso in silence.
    Samir sighs
    And sits back on his heels
    (He’s painting on the floor)
    Like Jackson Pollock, he says.
    Are you going to dribble snot all over it? I ask
    He laughs explosively
    And knocks over his water.
    We rush around with paper towels.
    I’m kidding, I say, I love Pollock.
    So audacious.
    Audacious , he says
    That should be your middle name.
    Then he sighs again and shakes his head
    That was so corny.
    I want to touch him
    Suddenly
    So suddenly
    That he won’t be able to stop me.

DREAMING
    I dream
    The tanned kid and pregnant girl
    With the corn
    Standing in the yard
    The snow drifting down on them
    Marika
    Her awkward body transformed
    Elegant
    Flying with streams of color
    Samir
    Outside my window
    Like a Montague
    I wake to a car alarm.
    The house sleeps yet restlessly
    Somewhere, someone paces
    I’m not sure how I know.
    My mother
    In the kitchen
    Walking back and forth
    Between the stainless steel,
    Box of Shreddies tucked under her arm
    Swallowing handfuls
    Crying.
    I duck out of sight.
    She would not want me to witness this
    Nor do I
    But it’s too late.

WHAT COMES NEXT?
    I know Dad knows.
    He hears the retching
    Sees the red knuckles
    Smells the breath
    Feels Mom’s ribs when they hug
    He must know.
    Is it that he’s busy
    With his new job?
    Is it that Kayli and I
    Are too busy
    With our new schools?
    Why hasn’t somebody
    Said
    Or done
    Something?

BLACK
    The first thing Samir does is paint the canvas
    Black
    Three layers of black
    It has to be pure
    Like night
    Sunless
    I’m beginning from nothing.
    He lets each layer dry
    For a day
    Waiting.
    There are comments
    When art class begins
    Are you painting the contents of your brain?
    Says Freckle.
    Samir leans forward and whispers to me
    Her heart.
    Pardon me, I say.
    He whispers again
    Her heart
    His lips a centimeter from my ear.
    Pardon me, I say again
    Until he gets the game
    And whispers
    Your hair smells nice.
    For the rest of the class
    I can’t draw a straight line.

NINE SMALL CANVASES
    A word swims around my head
    Audacious
    In my mind it forms a picture
    A line of women
    Saying screw you to convention
    Of any sort
    Saying shove it to the expectations
    Of society
    Of school
    Of close-minded fools
    Saying
    This is who I am:
    A rab
    U nemployed
    D isabled
    A sthmatic
    C
    Stops me.
    I’ll get to that later.
    I ndigenous
    O ld
    U gly
    S ingle
    I want to include bulimic
    But there is no B in audacious