Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! Read Free

would not have the heart to be a dragon slayer.
    He’d found Drag inside his lair, sobbing while trying to patch together lace seams on what looked to be the largest ball gown Barth had ever seen. When Barth left the dragon’s lair, he’d emerged not with the head of the winged beast, but with a long list of supplies, including silks and large sewing needles. Barth had made a promise to the dragon that if he quit stealing dresses, Barth would supply the necessary material for making gowns.
    “Your great grandfather ten times removed—the dearest friend I’ve ever had—would turn in his grave if he saw what you’ve become.”
    Barth slumped lower in his chair. “You’ve told me this already, Wizard.”
    Just then the king’s royal ass kisser made his presence known by clearing his throat very loudly. “The king will see you now.”
    Barth stood and stretched toward the ceiling while yawning. “I gotta go, Wizard.”
    Wizard Dilligaf grabbed Barth’s arm as he passed by. “Please, Barth, for the sake of your family’s once-good name, don’t say anything idiotic.”
    Barth shrugged. “I’ll try not to.”
    * * *
    Barth bowed before the king after he’d entered his royal chamber. “Your Highness.”
    King Ronald Dump sat behind the largest gold-plated desk Barth had ever seen. The desk was so large, in fact, that Barth couldn’t help but wonder if the king was over-compensating for some area in which he lacked. Perhaps, Barth thought, the king was hiding something beneath the tail-end of that petrified beaver pelt wig, which sat at an odd angle beneath his crown. Barth never understood if the pelt was supposed to resemble a really bad comb-over, or perhaps the king was trying to start a new fashion trend by wearing a sideways piece of dead ass.
    The king laced his fingers in front of him while fixing Barth with an assessing glare. “You know why I’ve summoned you, don’t you Barth?” the king squeaked.
    “Yeah. I know.” Barth had to try really hard to repress his laughter whenever King Dump spoke. Barth only hoped the wizard would come up with a potion to make the king’s testicles grow back soon. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep a straight face whenever he listened to his ruler’s girly falsetto.
    The king stood and pointed an accusing finger. “The wizard’s giant pussy caught you making merriment with that dragon again.”
    “It’s an eye.”
    “Don’t correct me.” The king wagged his finger.
    Barth grimaced. “Sorry.”
    “How many dragons have you killed this month?” King Dump folded his hands behind his back and began pacing in front of his desk.
    Barth arched a brow. “Why don’t you ask the pussy?”
    “Are you getting cheeky with me, Barthalamew?” The king squealed, sounding too much like a teenaged girl who’d just discovered her first pimple. He leaned across his desk and pounded it with a heavy fist.
    Barth forced himself to look away from the king’s intense gaze. “The only dragon I know is Drag, and he’s harmless.”
    The king threw up his hands. “Then what the hell am I keeping you on my payroll for?”
    “I dunno.” Barth shrugged. “In case some other monsters invade the kingdom.”
    “What other monsters? Whenever an angry troll or menacing giant gets too close to the kingdom, your dragon burns them to a crisp.”
    “That’s exactly why I don’t want to slay him.”
    “The monotony has got to stop.” The king groaned while falling back into his chair. “Nothing dangerous or fun happens in this town anymore.”
    Barth arched a brow. “So you’re saying you want me to kill for the fun of it?”
    “When your grandfathers were slaying monsters, tourism in Fairytale Kingdom was booming. People from every land flocked to see a good fight. Look at us now. We’re in an economic slump.” The king waved a hand toward his chamber, decorated with gold-plated paintings, candle sticks made of gold, and even a champagne fountain in the center