Arcadia Read Free

me— (He
is beating an embarrassed retreat when he becomes rooted by CHATER’s voice. CHATER reads his inscription in ringing tones.)
    Chater: To my friend Septimus Hodge, who stood up and gave
his best on behalf of the Author—Ezra Chater, at Sidley Park, Derbyshire, April
ioth, 1809.’ (Giving the book to Septimus.) There, sir—something to show
your grandchildren!
    Septimus: This is more than I deserve, this is handsome,
what do you say, Noakes?
    (They are interrupted by the appearance, outside the windows,
of lady croom and captain edward brice, rn. Her first words
arrive through the open door.)
    lady croom: Oh, no! Not the gazebo!
    (She enters, followed by BRICE who carries a leatherbound
sketch book.)
    Mr Noakes! What is this I hear?
    brice: Not only the gazebo, but the boat-house, the Chinese
bridge, the shrubbery—
    Chater: By God, sir! Not possible!
    brice: Mr Noakes will have it so.
    Septimus: Mr Noakes, this is monstrous!
    lady croom: I am glad to hear it from .you, Mr Hodge.
    Thomasina: (Opening the door from the music room) May
I return now?
    Septimus: (Attempting to close the door) Not just yet—
    lady croom: Yes, let her stay. A lesson in folly is worth
two in wisdom.
    (brice takes the sketch book to the reading stand, where
he lays it open. The sketch book is the work a/MR noakes, who is obviously
an admirer of Humphry Reptoris ‘Red Books’. The pages, drawn in watercolours,
show ‘before’ and ‘after* views of the landscape, and the pages are cunningly
cut to allow the latter to be superimposed over portions of the former, though
Repton did it the other way round.)
    brice: Is Sidley Park to be an Englishman’s garden or the
haunt of Corsican brigands?
    Septimus: Let us not hyperbolize, sir.
    brice: It is rape, sir!
    noakes: (Defending himself) It is the modern style.
    Chater: (Under the same misapprehension as Septimus)
Regrettable, of course, but so it is. (Thomasina has gone to examine the
sketch book.)
    lady croom: Mr Chater, you show too much submission. Mr
Hodge, I appeal to you.
    Septimus: Madam, I regret the gazebo, I sincerely regret the
gazebo—and the boat-house up to a point—but the Chinese bridge, fantasy!—and
the shrubbery I reject with contempt! Mr Chater!—would you take the word of a
jumped-up jobbing gardener who sees carnal embrace in every nook and cranny of
the landskip!
    Thomasina: Septimus, they are not speaking of carnal embrace,
are you, Mama?
    lady croom: Certainly not. What do you know of carnal embrace?
    Thomasina: Everything, thanks to Septimus. In my opinion, Mr
Noakes’s scheme for the garden is perfect. It is a Salvator!
    lady croom: What does she mean?
    noakes: (Answering the wrong question) Salvator Rosa,
your ladyship, the painter. He is indeed the very exemplar of the picturesque
style.
    brice: Hodge, what is this?
    Septimus: She speaks from innocence not from experience.
    brice: You call it innocence? Has he ruined you, child? (Pause.)
    Septimus: Answer your uncle!
    Thomasina: (To Septimus.) How is a ruined child
different from a ruined castle?
    Septimus: On such questions I defer to Mr Noakes.
    noakes: (Out of his depth) A ruined castle is
picturesque, certainly.
    Septimus: That is the main difference. (To brice) I
teach the classical authors. If I do not elucidate their meaning, who will?
    brice: As her tutor you have a duty to keep her in ignorance.
    lady croom: Do not dabble in paradox, Edward, it puts you in
danger of fortuitous wit. Thomasina, wait in your bedroom.
    Thomasina: (Retiring) Yes, mama. I did not intend to
get you into trouble, Septimus. I am very sorry for it. It is plain that there
are some things a girl is allowed to understand, and these include the whole of
algebra, but there are others, such as embracing a side of beef, that must be
kept from her until she is old enough to have a carcass of her own.
    lady croom: One moment.
    brice: What is she talking about?
    lady croom: Meat.
    brice: Meat?
    lady croom: Thomasina, you had better