Appalachian Galapagos Read Free Page B

talking millions here, those apes changed and became human."
    "And you believe that nonsense? I learned different. Hell, we was even in the same high school, Frank. You and I both know that Mr. Murray taught us that Adam and Eve was the first man and woman. Even though I didn't pay attention all the time, I know he never said anything about monkeys."
    As Lukas broke into a sad refrain of The Monkees trademark song, Frank shook his head. Had he changed that much? If the fallacies of creationism were too difficult for his old friends to grasp, he wasn't even going to attempt to explain their seventh grade curriculum where the Civil War was discussed at length as The War of Northern Aggression.
    "All right. Let's just say that most of the world agrees with Mr. Darwin and the awards are given for those who end up drowning in the shallow end of the gene pool."
    Blank stares.
    "All right, let's just say that some dude gave out awards for people acting stupid."
    "Well hell, why didn't you say that in the first place."
    "Yeah, Frank. You know you don't need to impress us," Lukas said. "It's not that we're stupid, understand, but we've been smokin ' and drinkin ' like crazy since we found out you were comin ' down. Gets us in the mood to wax nostalgic, ya know what I'm sayin'?"
    Frank downed his beer, fought the urge to shake his head once again, and shrugged the international I'm Sorry .
    "You know," Lukas said. "My uncle got stuck in a chimney once. Didn't find him until winter. My Aunt thought he had run off with some woman. It was weird how she was so happy when we found him."
    "I heard once about this guy who saw a six point buck up in Jacob. You know that cliff back behind the fairgrounds? Well, he got it through the neck with his 30.06, and then stood there as the huge thing fell on top of him."
    "Yes! That's the kind of stupid shit I am talking about."
    "You callin ' my uncle stupid?"
    "He was stupid, Lukas. All dressed up in an Easter Bunny outfit. Easter Bunnies don't come down chimneys."
    "He was tryin ' to sneak in," said Lukas, his mumble barely heard.
    "I can see the Darwin Awards getting handed out next year," Frank continued, ignoring his friends, his voice loud in an attempt to be heard over the raging Hiawasee . "A group of Tennessee rednecks decide to get out their bass boat, up shit's creek with a case of beer and..."
    "...and no fuckin' paddles," Jimmy interjected, beer exploding from his nose.
    Frank nodded. "A case of beer and no fucking paddles. They decide to take this creaky ass boat and put it in their local creek which winds into the mountains like a snake, each corner more dangerous than the next. The Devil's Shoals. Satan's Dip. Widow's Corner. A bad rain has made the creek into a furious monster of water, and these fools decide to go white water rafting in the Hiawasee . Their bodies were found days later, being munched on by a family of bears."
    "Like in Goldilocks," Lukas said. "And Darwin, he says, after interviewin ' the bears, they apologized for their eatin ' so messy like. The problem was they was tryin ' to find the perfect one and they was either too cold or too warm. It wasn't until they ate the city boy that it all tasted good ."
    Jimmy and Lukas sat down hard, their laughter making them choke. Long moments passed before they were able to return to their own version of normality. Frank was frowning, but you could tell he really wanted to smile.
    "You done?"
    Lukas nodded and grabbed a beer.
    "Yep."
    "Good, help me carry this boat to the shore. My back hasn't been the same since our little rock climbing expedition three years ago. My back still hurts and I had to wear that cast for four months. When a subway rattles by, I can feel it straight through my spine."
    "Fun as hell though, right? You felt more alive than ever? Come on, Frank. You have to take some risks, man. It's the risks that separate us from the animals. Better to be dead than a coward, you know?"
    "Okay. Okay. It was fun," Frank