An English Boy in New York Read Free

Megan about her gran, but at the same time I can’t help wondering if she’s using this as an excuse. Maybe she just doesn’t want to go away with me?
    Sunday 21st April
    Megan texted me this morning and said she won’t be coming to New York. I’m too bummed to write about it just now. I’m focusing on possible replacements instead. Here’s the list so far, in order of preference.
    Jessica Swallow
    Joz
    Freddie
    Mum
    Mrs Frensham
    Joe Boyle
    Natasha
    Gex
    Feel a bit bad about Gex but can you imagine him being let loose in New York? Guns are practically compulsory there. Gex is obsessed with guns. He’s taken to carrying around a replica Browning 45mm (which is actually a water pistol. He has loads of water pistols). I had a bad dream last night, in which I was driving over the Brooklyn Bridge pursued by a thousand cop cars, sirens ablaze, with Gex in the passenger seat, hanging out of the window and firing at the cop convoy with his Super-Sopper Aqua Blaster.
    So, all things considered, Gex is bottom of the list.
    But I can’t
really
ask Jessica Swallow to go with me, can I?
    Then again, it would solve the issue around taking another student with me. I could tell her I need to be accompanied by a responsible adult and that my parents are unavailable, or dead, or something, and that she’s my only option and did I mention Executive Club? Hang on. What am I thinking? I have a girlfriend who, even though she’s let me down, is a bit miserable at the mo. Also Jessica Swallow is happily back together with Hampton FC legend Joe Boyle. If I tear their relationship apart, then Joe’s form on the pitch will suffer again and Hampton FC will definitely be relegated this year. I can’t have that on my conscience.
    I crossed Jessica Swallow firmly off the list with a marker pen.
    I’ll talk to Joz tomorrow.
    9.13pm
    I caught Mum and Dad playing Rude Scrabble on the iPad this evening. They denied it but I know what they’re up to. They’ve adjusted the settings so they get fifty bonus points by putting down swear words. I won’t go into details because this is a diary that will be read by my probation officer, but needless to say Dad was delighted when mum put
SHAFT
near a triple-word score because he happened to have two
C
s, a
K
and a blank.
    I’ve made them delete all the rude words they added to the dictionary.
    â€˜I play Scrabble with Molly sometimes,’ I pointed out to Mum. ‘I don’t want her pressing the Hint button and having it suggest she adds
J-O-B
to the word
HAND
.’
    Mum looked a bit sheepish then, and she promised she wouldn’t do it again, but Dad was cracking up in the kitchen, so I don’t trust them one iota.
    â€˜It looks like Megan can’t come to New York,’ I said as Dad came back in, breathing weirdly and with a red face.
    â€˜Have you broken up already?’ Mum asked, a bit too quickly. I looked at her in hurt surprise.
    â€˜No,’ I said. ‘But thanks for immediately jumping to that conclusion. ‘
    â€˜So why isn’t she going?’ Dad asked.
    I explained about her gran, that she hadn’t been well for a while and in any case thought my name was Simon. I didn’t say that I thought it was a poor excuse but maybe they picked it up from my tone.
    â€˜When I get old,’ Dad said. ‘Put me on a flight to Switzerland. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.’ He says things like this a lot. But I suspect when it comes to the crunch Molly and I won’t be able to prise his fingers away from the boarding gate at Heathrow.
    â€˜I’ve changed my mind,’ he’ll squeal. ‘I don’t want to go with dignity.’
    I’ll have to get something in writing.
    I’m joking.
    Monday 22nd April
    You know how in fly-on-the-wall documentaries the producers often have to inject some artificial tension into the story? They might be filming some B-list