All She Ever Wanted Read Free Page A

wasn’t like basking in the social glow at the office each day. She missed the adult conversation and the design challenge. There was a certain adrenaline rush in taking on a new space, triaging the worst elements, and making it better in less time than some people took to decide on vacation plans.
    â€œYour weight could be a little lower,” the doctor said, jarring her from her reverie. “Are you getting exercise?”
    â€œI do some walking. Not enough.”
    â€œYou need exercise.”
    â€œI know, but the weather’s been crummy, and the C-section really knocked me off my feet for a while.” The surgery had been complicated, traumatic, with some repair necessary to her uterus. The ordeal had sucked all the joy out of Annabelle’s birth. For hours Chelsea had been splayed open on the table, shivering in alarm as the surgeons had worked behind the drape. She still hated thinking about it.
    â€œGet yourself moving,” he ordered. From his gray complexion and slight paunch, she doubted that he was pumping iron at the gym, but she didn’t argue. “It will help you feel better.”
    â€œI’ll get walking again.” She would go with Emma, whose doctor had been on her about exercise, too. She was pregnant with her first baby.
    Dr. Volmer closed the chart and started cleaning his glasses with a tissue. “Then I’m satisfied with your progress. You’re good to go.”
    Her confidence slid down to the floor. “Wait . . .” How had she lost control of the appointment? “I came in because I’m having some problems. Didn’t the nurse tell you?”
    â€œMmm.” He put his glasses back on and opened the folder. “So tell me why you’re here.”
    â€œI need an antidepressant.” She noticed his scowl as she said the words. “I—I just feel really bad all the time.”
    â€œYou came for drugs?” His magnified eyes were huge behind the wall of his glasses. “I’m not one of those doctors who will send you home with a handful of prescriptions when all you really need is rest and fresh air.” His annoyance was abrasive; he didn’t even pretend to be patient.
    She wanted to ask him how she was supposed to get rest when she had to feed Annabelle every three hours. How did other mothers do it? She wanted to ask them, to shout a question out to the new mothers of the world, a plea for them to share their answers, reveal their secrets. Other mothers were competent. They managed to feed their babies, to coo and snuggle with them. Chelsea so desperately wanted that for herself, and for Annabelle.
    â€œWhat about a blood test?” she asked. “Isn’t there some kind of screening you can do?”
    â€œTo tell me that your hormones are off balance? We already know that. You’ve just got a case of the baby blues,” Dr. Volmer said. “That’s normal.”
    â€œBut it’s more than that. There’s something really wrong with me. I’m not happy about anything anymore, and I feel so . . . I go from being numb inside to feeling broken.”
    â€œThe baby blues,” he repeated.
    No, no, it’s so much more than that. Can’t you hear what I’m saying? I’m slipping into a dark hole. I don’t feel anything for my baby. I can’t remember the woman I used to be.
    And I’m so worried that something is going to happen to Annie . . . if I drop her, if she flies out of the car in a crash. If I drop her down the stairs . . .
    She closed her eyes against the rhythmic thumping of her baby down the stairs—the rolling, falling bundle of skin and bones. All in her head, of course, and she couldn’t tell Dr. Volmer about that. She couldn’t let him see that she was a terrible person inside.
    She could handle this. She would handle this. On her own.
    â€œThe hormones will even out eventually. I could give you an antidepressant, but you know