Absolutely True Lies Read Free

now.
    “Yeah . . . yeah, maybe,” I told her, too embarrassed to admit the truth. “What about you?”
    “Oh, I knew this was coming,” Susan said, sounding pretty damn pleased with herself. “I’ve been putting out résumés for months. I start my new job on Monday.”
    Months? She knew about this for months?
    “Again, sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, but I was told not to worry anyone.”
    Bitch. “Yeah, I totally get it,” I said. “Well, good luck to you. I gotta go. I’m . . . out with some friends.”
    From the far end of the couch, Smitty meowed at me and I prayed to God Susan couldn’t hear it through the phone.
    “Ohh- kay, ” she answered, clearly calling me a liar. “I’ll call you next week, maybe we can do lunch.”
    “Sure,” I said, knowing I would never, ever, ever see her name on my caller ID again. “Take care and good luck in your new job.”
    “Thanks, babe,” Susan said. “Talk to you later.”
    I hung up the phone and then stared at it for a moment.
    “Liar,” I said, wishing I’d had the nerve to actually say that to her. But then, I was just as big a liar, who was I to judge? As if to verify this, Smitty meowed again, batting his declawed paw at me.
    “Whose side are you on?” I said, now slipping into angry drunk-girl mode. “Do you work for Susan now?”
    In response, Smitty came over and settled in my lap. I was momentarily touched by his affection until he began licking the chocolate syrup off the sides of my glass. I almost swatted him away, but I didn’t really care enough to do it.
    “I guess we’ll both end the night by puking.”
    That’s the last thing I remember until about eleven the next morning, when I woke up to find Tito, my neighbor, staring at me from just outside my patio. I guess I’d fallen asleep with the blinds open, and since my legs were splayed across the couch, I’m sure he got a pretty good show. At least someone should have been enjoying the view.
    Too depressed to think straight, I stood up and walked to the blinds, flipping Tito the bird before shutting them. I then collapsed into my tiny bed and went to sleep. For days. And I do mean days . By the time my mother called to make sure I hadn’t been gang-raped and strangled to death, the hair on my legs could have been French-braided.
    “What, Ma?” I said from beneath the covers, lest I accidentally let any light enter my dungeon of despair. “I’m not in the mood.”
    “You haven’t called me in a week, Holly. I thought you were dead.”
    No, I just wished I was dead. “I’m fine,” I lied, yawning. “I’m just tired.”
    “Why are you tired? You go to the movies and write five hundred words about it.”
    This was an argument we had all the time. My mother works for city government and feels that her forty hours a week at a desk is much more grueling than my forty hours a week at a desk. I didn’t know how to tell her that I no longer even had a desk.
    “I’m sick, okay?” I shot back, about ready to throw the phone at the wall.
    “Were you making out with someone last night?” my mother asked, chastising me like I was twelve years old and caught with the boy next door. “You don’t know where those men have been, Holly.”
    The only creature who’d attempted to make out with me in months was Smitty, and even that only happened when I was eating something that smelled appetizing.
    “No, Mom, it’s just something that’s going around at work.” Yeah, it’s called unemployment. “I’ll call you back in a couple of days when I feel better.”
    “I just wanted to let you know that Uncle Bob is going to be calling you—”
    “Great,” I said, “Love you, Mom. Bye.” I hung up quickly, before she could say anything else.
    Then I opened up the back of the phone and yanked out the battery, tossing all three pieces on the floor next to the bed. I had no job, no boyfriend, and very few friends—who the hell needed to talk to me? If I were found dead in