A red tainted Silence Read Free Page A

freaked out. No one else knows.”
    “But I’m not --” She looked at me, her expression stern. A sudden rush of fear settled around me. “How did --” I closed my eyes, the world reeling about me. God, I hoped no one else realized I was about to have a breakdown right outside the auditorium.
    “Brandon, I’m sorry,” Jenny said. She still had hold of my hand. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought maybe it’d be easier if you knew that I knew.” I ran my free hand over my face, fought for a casual look as the crowd began to move into the auditorium. I couldn’t say anything. My mouth was dry. I pulled my hand away from Jenny, mumbled an excuse about needing to find the bathroom, and all but ran for the nearest men’s room. I stumbled in and headed for a stall, grateful no one gave me more than a passing glance.
    I banged the door shut and locked it, then sat on the toilet’s edge and buried my face in my hands. Tears of embarrassment welled in my eyes and I brushed them angrily away. How had Jenny known? What did she see when she looked at me? And why now ... dammit, why’d she have to bring it up now? I’d barely begun to acknowledge the fact myself that I might be gay. That it was guy that turned me on, not girls. It confused and sickened me, and I couldn’t stop.
    How had Jenny known? Did I have “I Like Boys” written on my forehead?
    I was so fucking confused.
    I’m not sure how long I sat in there. The bathroom soon emptied, and I heard the first strains of intro music as it filtered through the walls. With a sigh I got up and left the stall. I imagined that Jenny was cursing me about now for overreacting and that her friends were wondering what was up.
    I splashed water on my face and stared at myself in the mirror, watched the droplets fall into the sink. “Fucking fag,” I told my image just as someone walked into the bathroom.

    10 Carolyn Gray
    The guy eyed me in disgust, then went back out the door. I bowed my head. Great. He’d heard me.
    “Can things get any worse?” I said to my mirror self, but didn’t wait for it to answer. I was afraid what that other Brandon would say.
    Jenny had waited for me outside. I hesitated when I saw her, then stuffed my hands in my pockets. She looked at me, worried, her hands clasped to her chest. “Oh, Brandon, I’m so sorry. Really. I promise not to tell anyone, ever, unless you want me to.” I didn’t know what else to do, so I just nodded. She did, of course, keep that promise.
    For that alone I love my cousin, even though at that moment I really wanted to strangle her.
    “Where are we sitting?” I said, relieved that my voice sounded almost normal.
    “I saved you a place. Come on.”
    She slipped her hand into mine and squeezed. I squeezed back and let her lead me to our seats. Her friends looked at me as we took our places, but fortunately it was dark already, and they couldn’t see my flushed face. Jenny laid her head on my shoulder. I found myself smiling into the dark and squeezed her hand.
    “You’re not mad at me, are you?” she whispered.
    “No. I’m not mad, Jenny. Just --” I shook my head. “I can’t talk about it right now, okay?”
    She nodded, and the music swelled as the play began. The high school had a kick-ass drama department. It almost made me wish I’d stayed in school, though my own high school’s plays all sucked.
    I found myself forgetting my troubles as I lost myself in the beauty of the timeless music. Maybe I should write music for plays, I thought. Forget the band altogether, move to Los Angeles ... That, of course, didn’t appeal. The thought of leaving Murrieta -- of leaving home -- terrified me. I wasn’t too comfortable around strangers, never had been, though when I was on stage, and playing my guitar or keyboards, I could forget about my fears.
    The play was fabulous. From time to time I’d notice Jenny watching me. Once, she watched me for so long that I leaned over and whispered, “You’re