A Life Less Broken Read Free Page B

a
nightmare.”
    “What was it
about?” she asks as she scribbles in her note pad.
    “The same thing
as every other night. It’s always the same; it’s never different.” It’ll
never be different. I can’t change what happened.
    “How did you
handle it?”
    “I panicked
and then I listened. And when I checked the doors and windows I was able to
convince myself that they weren’t here and I was able to finally get some
sleep.” I put the coffee mug on the small table in front of me and I stand up. I’m
tired of this charade.  Our conversations are always the same.
    “Will I ever
recover?” I ask Dr. Monroe.
    “I can’t
answer that question, Allyn. You need to want to help yourself.” This is the
answer she always gives me.
    “You don’t
think I want to help myself?”
    “It doesn’t
matter what I think. What matters is the progress you’re making.” I can feel
myself becoming frustrated.
    “What
progress am I making?” I ask her as I start pacing.
    “What
progress do you think you’re making?”
    Fuck.
    She’s so
damn frustrating. I’m sick of this.  I don’t want more questions, I want some answers.
    I can’t do
this shit anymore.
    The monsters
in my head need to leave. I can’t be crazy anymore. I can’t do this. And Dr.
Monroe isn’t helping at all.
    “Get out,” I
say without turning to her.
    “But your
session’s not over.”
    “It is now,
get out.”
    I walk back
into the kitchen and wait as Dr. Monroe packs her things.
    The ominous gray
clouds stare down at me, taunting me with their darkness. I feel as if I’m
drifting toward them. A dark light focuses on me, dragging my broken soul and
fractured mind further into the black mists.
    I feel
nothing but constant misery and unrelenting despair.
    I’m tortured
by the memories that have plagued my soul every minute of every day for the
last three years.
    The gray clouds
suck me in, the blackness in my soul keeps me there and darkness surrounds me.
    My world
will never be right again.
    I merely
exist. I will never be alive.

Chapter 3
    Locking the
door behind Dr. Monroe, I set the alarm again and go back to the kitchen.
Jumping up on the counter, I cross my legs in front of me and just look.
    The sky is
trying to tell me something.
    The evil,
dark clouds that droop over my home scream at me, performing a duet with my
fear that says they’re not going away without taking my shredded soul with them.
    But for now,
I’m safe inside my refuge, just me and my own private nightmare.
    I watch as
the overcast sky finally breaks and water droplets fall like tears from the gray
cumulonimbus. Rain doesn’t just fall, it hammers the ground in sheets, with ferocity.
It wants me to know that it will never go away; it will never let me rest.
    I’m forever
boxed into a world of shame, humiliation, and sorrow. This is the universe telling
me I will never be allowed to heal.
    The moments
sitting on the counter transform into hours. The rain doesn’t ease. The gray
just turns darker.
    Finally,
after what could be hours of wasted time, I get up and walk into the family
room.
    What a
stupid name for a room.
    Family
room.
    I’ll never
have a family of my own. That option was brutally taken away from me.  I’ll
never get the chance to experience being a mother, carrying a child in my body.
    I’ll never
be able to feel the kicks of my baby as it turns and stretches inside me.
    The chance
to hold that precious, tiny person in my hands is gone.
    Molding a
baby of my own flesh and blood into a person who knows nothing but
unconditional love.
    That part of
life has been stolen from me. Selfishly trampled on, like an ant whose life
meant nothing.
    Do I have no
purpose now?
    Does my life
have no meaning?
    Was that why
I was selected to have my life broken? To be disfigured and destroyed.
    Am I nothing
more than nothing?
    A life of
opportunities was given to me the day I was born, and those opportunities were taken
from me the day they killed my will to