A Life Less Broken Read Free Page A

alarm
on?
    Yes, I know
I checked these.
    I checked
them and double-checked them.
    But did I double-check them?
    I close my
eyes and try to go back to sleep, because the logical part of my brain tells me
I locked them.
    But my fear
screams at me to go check them again.
    Every night,
this happens.
    Every
single fucking night.
    I swing my
legs out of bed, and flip the night-light switch on.  I allow my vision to
adjust before I go downstairs to check the doors and the windows.
    The routine
is the same: check upstairs, go downstairs, and then check upstairs again
before trying to go back to sleep.
    Half an hour
later, the fear has been placated and I can attempt to go back to sleep.
    I lie in
bed, this time leaving the small night light on as I stare at my beige ceiling.
    What if I had
been sick that day, and Jolene was the one at work?
    What if
Jason had been with me from midday, like he was supposed to be?
    What if I had
fought harder?
    Why didn’t I
die?
    What
if...?
    My eyes
begin to close. I can feel my breathing deepen and I begin to fall back into my
nightmares.
    Ring.
    Ring.
    Ring.
    I open my
eyes and reach for the cordless handset on the nightstand.
    “Yeah,” my sleepy
voice sounds hoarse.
    “Allyn, can
you open up please?” Dr. Monroe asks.
    What time is
it? I look over to the clock to see it’s 9:05 a.m. I haven’t slept this late
for as long as I can remember
    “Sure
thing,” I reply
    Day one
thousand and twenty is starting off alright. I actually slept for more than a
couple of hours and I feel okay waking up.
    Maybe today
is the day I’ll stop hating myself.
    I quickly slip
on some jeans and a t-shirt and take the stairs two at a time to get to the
door.
    I check
through the peep-hole to make sure that it’s Dr. Monroe and that she is, indeed,
on her own. I disarm the alarm, and open the door for her.
    “Morning Dr.
Monroe. I’m sorry; I overslept,” I tell her as she steps through the threshold
into my prison.
    Dr. Monroe
flicks a quick look over her shoulder at me and smiles.
    “That’s
quite alright, Allyn.” She walks into my beige family room and sits in the
chair she always uses when she’s here, every Tuesday and sometimes Fridays.
    I lock the
door, set the alarm, and before I step away, I double-check it. “I’m just going
to make myself a coffee. Would you like one?” I ask.
    “No I’m
fine, thank you. Go make your breakfast.”
    I walk into
the kitchen, flip the switch on the electric tea kettle and mix my coffee as I
wait for the water to boil. I look out the back window and my body instantly stiffens
as I recognize the same sort of dark, gray sky that loomed over me that day.
    The day they
warned me that my life was going to change. I watch as the angry clouds move at
a glacial pace over my house, seeming to give the same warning as on the day
that drastically altered my life.
    A chill runs
along my entire body, coursing through every part of me.
    I can feel
it.
    The
change.
    Something’s
coming and it’s going to tear me apart. Force me to face my fears.
    “Allyn,” Dr.
Monroe touches my arm and snaps me out of the thoughts consuming me. The
boiling kettle is whistling.
    “Yeah?”
    “Where were
you?”
    “Drifting
with the clouds.”
    “Were you
happy?”
    “As happy as
I can be,” I reply.
    Is it? Is
this the best it’ll ever be for me?
    Caught in a
state of self-loathing, in a beige life, with a mind still imprisoned by fear?
    Is this it
for me?
    “I’m glad to
hear that, Allyn. Did you open one of your doors and let the fresh air inside?”
    I stir the
hot water into my mug where the instant coffee and creamer already wait for it.
“No. Maybe tomorrow.” Never.
    “Let’s go
sit in the family room and talk,” Dr. Monroe suggests.
    I sit and
slowly sip my scorching hot coffee.
    “Tell me
about how you slept last night.”
    “I went to
bed and woke up this morning.”
    “Did you
wake up during the night?”
    “Yes.”
    “Why?”
    “I had