Woman Walks into a Bar Read Free Page A

the White Horse. He’d be there to see me meeting up with whoever this geek was because he was bound to be working on a Friday night. Wasn’t he?
    I hadn’t started out fancying Brendan. It wasn’t like the first time I saw him I couldn’t speak and my heart was racing and I knew I was in love. He didn’t blow me away exactly. In fact, I thought he was a bit too short for me and he was very quiet at first, shy. Marie was the first to notice he had nice eyes, and Joy liked his Irish accent.
    He’d been working at the White Horse for a few months before I realized that the person I most looked forward to seeing on a Friday night was not Joy or Marie. It was him. I’d been getting ready to meet the girls as usual when I realized my belly felt funny. Sort of twisted. I thought it might have been the chicken tikka sandwich I had had for lunch so I went and sat on the loo, but nothing happened. It reminded me of something I had felt before, and I remembered the first time I had felt Beth moving inside me, fluttering against my insides like a bird beating its wings. But I couldn’t be pregnant.
    And then I laughed out loud sitting on the loo. It had been so long since I had had that feeling I’d forgotten it altogether. It was butterflies! It was the thought of seeing Brendan that night that was making me feel excited. I’d probably fancied him for ages before that night. It just took me a long time to realize it. I had thought that those sorts of feelings inside me had gone forever. I thought they had been kicked to death.
    But I didn’t tell anyone. Because if Joy found out, the world would have known by teatime. And because Brendan wasn’t going to fancy someone like me, not when he had skinny twenty-year-olds throwing themselves at him every night of the week. And because while nobody knew, and it was just my secret, I could hold it close inside and enjoy it and pretend that it might be real one day.
    I looked at Joy, then another thought of who it might be swept over me, and I found myself shaking. I must have gone white because Joy reached out an arm to steady me and took a step closer.
    â€œBabe,” she said gently. “What?”
    I made myself ask.
    â€œIt’s not . . . it’s not him, is it?” I asked in a whisper. The laughter in Joy’s face was gone in an instant.
    â€œSam, no! No. I would never, never do that, you know that,” Joy told me firmly.
    â€œI know you wouldn’t mean to,” I said. “But you know what he’s like. I thought if he wanted to see me he’d try and talk you round and maybe . . . maybe . . . maybe.” My words had got stuck, like a scratch on a CD. Only talking about Adam did that to me. I don’t know what would happen if I actually saw him.
    â€œListen to me,” Joy said, putting her other hand on my shoulder. “It’s not him. He doesn’t even live round here anymore. And he’d never come back here. He knows what would happen to him if he did. It’s not him, OK?” I nodded and Joy bit her lip as she looked at me.
    â€œI hate it when you’re like this, Sam,” she said. “When are you going to realize no one can hurt you now? You are a strong, independent woman, all right? And anyway I’m here, your mum and dad, Eddie . . .”
    â€œAnd me,” Marie said, feeling left out.
    â€œFor what’s it’s worth,” Joy said, winking at me, “he’s gone . He’s been gone for years. He’s never coming back. It’s not him. You have to stop letting him frighten you.”
    I nodded and took a deep breath. I felt in my other pocket and found my inhaler and took two puffs. Deep breath, count to ten. Deep breath, count to ten.
    â€œDo you need to go to the medical room?” Sandra snapped too loudly in my ear.
    â€œNo, Sandra,” I said. “Just a bit