Why Girls Are Weird Read Free Page B

of a basketball game filled the apartment. Unbelievable. He wasn’t going to notice. What if in three hours he finally decided to do something about it? What would I do if he called the police and they came over, followed the paper trail, and found me asleep in the closet cradling a tin of Altoids, wearing only my panties?
    I panicked, making noises that were a combination of whimpers and shrieks until I heard him get off the couch. When he finally found me five minutes later, he looked at me with a face that read: “Hello. Did you get lost? Do I need to call a hospital? Do you still understand English?” Then he laughed, and I knew this book was making a moron out of me.
    His assignment that week focused on kissing. That was fun.
    I pulled my third assignment. I was to make a sex game creating two sets of cards—one with body parts listed on them and the other with verbs. I tried all week, but I just kept wondering what would happen if he pulled the two cards that said “Thrust!” and “Ear!”
    I refused to do my next assignment as well, where I had to “innocently” take him to a miniature golf course (because we putt-putt all the time?). I was supposed to go to the bathroom, take off my panties, wrap them around the golf ball, and hand them to him. Can you imagine? I’m sure he’d say, “What the hell— Hey!” And everyone would look up to see my panties on hole nine. Besides, there are children on Putt-Putt courses, mostly due to the fact that Putt-Putt is supposed to be a game for seven-year olds.
    The only thing I liked about the book was that while planning those ridiculous things, I thought about my boyfriend. I liked thinking that sometime that week there was going to be a surprise for me. But in general the two of us were much more creative than that book—which still sits in the bedroom, by the way, mocking me. Feeling like a dork is a really bad way to spice up your sex life. And come on, do you really want me showing my naked butt to innocent putt-putting children?
    Love until later,
    Anna K
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Subject: Me Again!
    Anna K,
    It’s me again. I just wanted to thank you for posting all of the new entries. Now I can forward your webpage to all of my friends. You’re my new favorite place. I laugh so hard when you talk about your boyfriend because it’s the same stuff I went through during my last relationship. That story you told about fighting over the car stereo? That’s just like my old boyfriend. I eventually dumped his Classic-Rock-lovin’ ass.
    Thanks,
Tess
    -----
Subject: The Book
    Hi, Anna,
    My husband and I got that book as a honeymoon present. Can you believe that? You’d think they’d give us just a bit more credit in the beginning. Apparently they know the sex is going to go downhill, huh? It hasn’t yet, thankfully. I don’t know why I just told you that. In any event, I wanted to commiserate on that book. I opened one envelope that told me to strip for my husband. There’s nothing worse than trying to give your husband a lapdance and getting your high heel caught in your underwear. I fell, Anna. I fell.
    I’m not one to support book burning, but maybe we could make an exception in this case?
    A fan in Syracuse,
Gwen
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    I felt dizzy with excitement. This was becoming more than just Dale’s birthday present. I suddenly had a body of work that people were gobbling up as fast as I could write it. It was so easy to write something and then post it online. The instant feedback was infectious. People loved Anna K. I was creating a celebrity.

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    How to Fake a Football Orgasm
    30 JUNE
    This is my favorite time of the year because there’s absolutely no football. If you ever saw just how much football I have to watch, you might start crying. I’ve been dating Ian for over three years now and we’ve lived together for more than a year. He has no idea that I actually can’t