Who Moved My Blackberry? Read Free Page A

autistic finance director, that due to ongoing restrictions to our operating budget, he’s only prepared to greenlight the Bronze Program, which I understand is coaching by four monthly e-mails.
    This is obviously a blow. And it’s bloody typical of this place, if you’ll excuse my French. Spends a fortune on moronic diversity training programs, and then as soon as you suggest something good, there’s no money. Also typical of Roger—who thinks blue sky is what you can see on a sunny say.
    Bestest, Martin
    From: Pandora@CoachworX!
    To: Martin Lukes
    Hi Martin!
    One of the things I will teach you on this journey is that everything is possible. I’m going to teach you to say goodbye to negative feelings and get back to your childlike optimism. The Executive Bronze Life Coaching Program is going to help you get there!
    Now a lesson for you. Where we at CoachworX! differ from other coaches is that they teach you to be the very best you can be. We think you can go further. This program is about being better than your very best. I’d like you to meditate on that, and think of a quantifiable target that you think is achievable. We will then assess your progress against this target every month. I think it is fair to say that I have never had a coachee that did not finish the year ahead of their targets!
    Pandora
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Pandora@Coachworx!
    Hi Pandora
    What you say makes a lot of sense to me—in the kind of hypercompetitive field I operate in, the best is an entry ticket, if you like. I’ve always said to the people who have worked under me: keep pushing the envelope until it falls off the table!
    So, this is the goal I am signing up to.
    By year end I will achieve performance levels that are 5 percent better than the very best I can be.
    Certainly this journey will take me way outside my comfort zone, but I’m ready for that.
    Bestest
    Martin
    From: Pandora@CoachworX!
    To: Martin Lukes
    Hi Martin!
    You are starting to think big—but not BIG enough! I am going to help you make a quantum leap in your self belief. I, your greatest fan, sincerely believe you can beat your best by 50 percent by year end. What is stopping you?
    Strive and thrive!
    Pandora
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Pandora@CoachworX!
    Hi Pandora
    It’s energizing to realize how much you believe in me, but I wonder if your metrics are a bit high. Can we compromise and say that I’m going to aim to be 22.5 percent better than the very best I can be? I think that’s probably scalable!
    22.5 percent better than my bestest!
    Martin
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Keith Buxton
    Hi Keith
    I have just visited the staff canteen and found that there was not a single menu choice consistent with the Atkins diet.
    Today there was pigs in a blanket, or mushroom risotto, or chicken pie. All of the above combine carbohydrates and protein.
    Many of the more senior members of the staff follow Atkins and we should be encouraging them to use the canteen. It is only by the mingling of staff that knowledge is shared.
    All my very bestest
    Martin
JANUARY 7
    From: Keith Buxton
    To: All Staff
    Dear all—I am delighted to inform you that Cindy Czarnikow, Global Head of Strategic Marketing, is to join us in London on a two-month assignment. Cindy will be spearheading Project Rebrand, a global drive to reinvigorate the A&B corporate personality. She will be working closely with Barry Malone and the top team in Atlanta, who have been working on plans to rebrand the company for six months. I know you’ll give her every support in this exciting initiative.
    Additionally, Martin Lukes has been tasked with leading a brainstorming group on how to improve the staff canteen. Any thoughts about delivering uplift to the current service should be addressed to him.
    Keith
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Graham Wallace
    Fucketyfuckingfuck. I didn’t opt for a high flying career in order to discuss pigs in a sodding blanket.
    What do you know