White Bird in a Blizzard Read Free Page A

always creeping up behind me just as I was leaning into an imaginary nakedness with him, as if she’d crept up after some wet trail I’d left. When there was long, moist kissing on the television, I had to leave the room. She was always looking too hard at that kiss.
    “
What?
” I asked.
    “I mean,” she said, “you look like I looked when I was your age,” and she wandered away, seeming dazed, as if Time had just snuck up behind her and knocked her on the head with a very hard pillow.
     
    In December, she’d turned forty-six. There were a few gray strands where she parted her dark hair, and she plucked those out with tweezers at the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night when she couldn’t sleep. But she was still girlishly thin—still the same weight she’d carried down the aisle beside my father twenty years before.
    There is a picture on their bedroom wall of them marrying each other. In it, my father looks sheepish and stiff.
    But my mother already looks frantic, full of hate, wearing all that lightness—something white and exotic caught in an invisible net. That weight, or the absence of it, is draped in lace, and she drags a train of satin as long as winter, or the future, behind her.
    And there is another photograph of her that has enjoyed a fleeting fame since she disappeared. Tacked to the bulletin board outside the supermarket, taped to the pharmacy’s plate-glass window, MISSING above the picture, HAVE YOU SEEN ME ?:
    Suburban housewife.
    Mid-forties.
    A whisper of frost wound through her dark hair.
    My father took that photograph himself, the one on the flyers, the one they used on the local six o’clock news. It was Christmas Day, two weeks before she vanished. She’d just opened a gift he’d given her. She peered at it under the tissue paper, as thin as pared skin, and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take it back.”
    “Jesus Christ, Evie. What
do
you want?” he asked, the camera she’d just given him dangling around his neck.
    “Surely not this,” she said. And he snapped her bitter smile.
     
    Had they
ever
had any fun? Had they
ever
, as Phil and I did, groped each other in the dark, gotten lost swimming in each other’s bodies, that long kissing that turns your muscles to spilled milk, that numbness after hours of fucking, that blindness of eyes all over your body when the lights are out?
    Whenever I tried to imagine it, I failed.
     
    One early evening a few weeks before, when she and my father were out—perhaps at Bob’s Chop House—I went into their bedroom and stood looking at their bed for a long time. It was, of course, inconceivable that they slept together. Or, I mean, had sex. Their
sleep
was easy enough to imagine. My father like a snoring corpse beside her, his deodorized sweat sowing salt into their sheets. My mother’s tight lips parted loosely for a while, stardust gathering in the corners of her eyes before she bolted upright when the birds outside began to sing.
    She was nervous, a light night sleeper who treated sleep as if it were an expensive dress that required many preparations to wear: glass of water on her nightstand, a room both warm and cool, a light on somewhere, but not on her—though, as I’ve said, all those afternoons right before she disappeared, there she’d be when I got home from school, folded up on her side, lost in the kind of sleep that swoops down on the sleeper in one big storm of wings and a funnel of feathers, hauling her off in its beak.
    I knew what their
sleeping
beside one another for twenty years was like, but when I tried to imagine the two of them doing what Phil and I did, I saw naked statues in an art museum instead, a guard in an olive uniform standing in an archway warning you not to touch.
    Their bedroom was as plain and orderly as a hotel room. A white spread, white curtains, oak chest of drawers. They had two closets, his and hers. Hers smelled like lavender soap. His smelled like leather.
    I got down on my hands and