Vac Read Free Page A

you?
    Sue smiled vacantly. She gazed vacantly about. A hunted thing leaped and swerved behind her eyes.
    — Leave her alone, Ram!
    I urged irritably again.
    But it went on although becoming subdued. I lay back in a haze of wine, barely hearing the assaults, until from Ram and another man came the critical ones:
    — Don’t bother with her.
    — The girl’s stupid.
    As she hurled her glass at the aloof Indian, Sue uttered a low scream. I sprang up and pushed her tormentor, tumblinghim backwards on to the bed. I registered his indignation as I turned to comfort Sue. From the depths of her convulsive distress kept arising the query:
    — I heard someone say I was stupid. Why am I stupid? Why?
    She was still sobbing helplessly when I removed her. Ram assumed I was taking her home to caress her. I simply thought I was taking her home but it seemed we had to glide off down the highways, the bright strips winding out of town. I was a little touched by her faith and almost merged with the part I was playing: protector, spiritual comrade, he who understands. We shot out through the ghost of Hendon, a lonely, nocturnal bullet occupied by a hysterical girl and a self- indulgent man. We needed petrol.
    I had sensed that she was schizophrenic, moving delicately between gulfs, capable of supporting the world in its more tranquil phases but never far from a tumble down the sharp shale and a slow struggle back. Now she was an out-patient.
    We found petrol as the gauge threatened halt. It was shortly after Sue had extracted the last sniff from her despair. Then I encircled her shoulder with my arm as we wound through suburban lanes.
    — Sometimes I think I’ll go into one of those places and stay for the rest of my life.
    These are not my people. Who are my people? A few blue pills or an eighth of Scotch still get me to work. They hate the animals.
    Ram’s hue had aggravated his offence. The country was filling up with aliens. Dark, strange beings. I waited for my own heredity to be censured but:
    — I like the Jewish people.
    — Do you suppose we turn right or left?
    A thin, wandering girl in a shabby dress, she huddled against me as we nosed the eerie, empty highway. It lay bathed in imported radiance. She glanced listlessly both ways and snuggled closer to me. I kissed her cheek. A red car screamed out of London and vanished into mileage. I turnedleft after it. Somewhere hunched generators span. The clock ticked and the earth rolled. I couldn’t spend all night carting a mad girl round the suburbs.
    — Sue—let’s go home.
    But I sensed that this was wrong. She mustn’t be betrayed twice in one evening. Would they admit her? Would her ‘adviser’ be there? Where was the place?
    Finally we curved in towards the low cubes. Grass and concrete stiff in the livid glare and an appropriate touch of nightmare to greet us.
    I had glimpsed a squat porter who observed and disappeared as our beams swung round the drive. I nosed into a slot in the row of cars under the institution’s windows. Smudged light through a transom reached the room immediately before us. Sue, now calm, gazed straight ahead, anticipating rescue. I opened my door and circled the car to her side. In the room ahead someone fumbled amidst vague shapes. As I opened Sue’s door, a piercing torch beam shot from the window into our eyes. My own composure was not totally immune to the impression of a demented hag with an evil ray. Sue simply gasped and collapsed against me. She was still heaving in terror as a bulky, bespectacled sister bore reproachfully down on us.
    The doctors had left hours ago. No, of course the girl couldn’t be admitted. There was an indispensable procedure for admission. The porter lurked in the background to reinforce the other’s outrage.
    — Who’s your doctor? What’s his name?
    The sister bent sceptical, bold eyes on the girl who, in a thin, uninflected voice, gave her psychiatrist’s name. During the brief, ensuing interrogation, Sue,