showered me with designer handbags and shoes, but in reality none of that meant much to me. Every time he loaded money into my personal bank account, it felt wrong somehow.
Kim had once said “everything has a price”. It wasn't until we'd been married several months that I felt … paid for. The guilt and frustration that came with that sentiment was two-fold.
On one hand, I was young and had never lived on my own or supported myself. I lived with Kim, working part-time jobs, and then all of a sudden I was wealthy. Well … Jack was wealthy. Since I got married, I didn't have the opportunity to take care of myself, so I didn't know how .
On the other hand, Jack told me it was a dominant partner's job to support his sub financially. Being unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I hadn't questioned him. I rarely did.
I was somehow stuck in the middle of it all. Nothing I owned had been brought into my life by the power of my own hands, unless one counted Katherine.
Then again … even then , of course, Jack had played a part in it.
As I helped Katherine put colored plastic rings on a stand, I shivered inwardly. I didn't like to think of mine and Jack's early sexual encounters. It was difficult to think of those instances in a positive light. There'd been so many times that I'd said “no” and he'd continued doing things to me anyway. Initially, I'd dismissed the roughness with which he'd handled me. I'd given in because I felt it was part of the bargain, and in return for obeying him, I got his love.
And I used to feel like that was enough.
As time went on, he had to use less and less force. This, he'd told me, was because my training had progressed. Apparently, it was natural for me to resist at first.
All I knew was, if I thought about our first few times too much, I didn't react as one should when thinking of something pleasant. I got nervous, unhappy, and often tried to shake off the memories before they fully took hold of my emotions.
I'd never told him. Why would I have? After all, he was in control of everything. He'd done a good job of convincing me that there wasn't a single action he'd taken that he hadn't calculated. There were some days I wondered if he knew I had suffered and simply thought it was going “all according to plan”.
Suddenly my mind snapped to the person called Julia. I wondered who she was, and what part she'd played in his life. Was she an older, forgotten part of his “plan”, or had she been a recent addition?
It was too painful to think of. She'd introduced a lot of doubt into my life.
Add it to the pile , I thought sadly.
A gurgling noise brought me to attention. Katherine had crawled away and had used the toy box to pull herself into a standing position. She'd done a lot of that lately. The pediatrician had mentioned that her legs were developing well and her muscular strength had increased at a speedy rate in the past few months.
Then she did it, she turned to me, and took three steps toward me. I watched in awe as she steadied herself, smiled, then crashed to her butt on the carpet. She clapped her hands together.
My heart should have swelled. I should have burst into tears of joy and announced it on every social media account I had, but I couldn't fully enjoy it. I was proud of her. I loved that little girl with all my heart, but negativity surrounding Jack seemed to pollute every bit of happiness in my life—even the memory Katherine and I had just created together.
I scooped her into my arms and feathered kisses over her cheeks. “My talented girl,” I whispered. “You walked!” I held her close and buried my face in her downy black curls, closing my eyes and inhaling that fresh powdery scent so particular to babies. “I'm so proud of you. You're the only beautiful thing in my life, my sweet girl … my Katherine.”
After giving her a bath, I laid her down for the night. Lovingly, I watched as she fell sleep. Just as I clicked off the light and stepped into the
Kim had once said “everything has a price”. It wasn't until we'd been married several months that I felt … paid for. The guilt and frustration that came with that sentiment was two-fold.
On one hand, I was young and had never lived on my own or supported myself. I lived with Kim, working part-time jobs, and then all of a sudden I was wealthy. Well … Jack was wealthy. Since I got married, I didn't have the opportunity to take care of myself, so I didn't know how .
On the other hand, Jack told me it was a dominant partner's job to support his sub financially. Being unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I hadn't questioned him. I rarely did.
I was somehow stuck in the middle of it all. Nothing I owned had been brought into my life by the power of my own hands, unless one counted Katherine.
Then again … even then , of course, Jack had played a part in it.
As I helped Katherine put colored plastic rings on a stand, I shivered inwardly. I didn't like to think of mine and Jack's early sexual encounters. It was difficult to think of those instances in a positive light. There'd been so many times that I'd said “no” and he'd continued doing things to me anyway. Initially, I'd dismissed the roughness with which he'd handled me. I'd given in because I felt it was part of the bargain, and in return for obeying him, I got his love.
And I used to feel like that was enough.
As time went on, he had to use less and less force. This, he'd told me, was because my training had progressed. Apparently, it was natural for me to resist at first.
All I knew was, if I thought about our first few times too much, I didn't react as one should when thinking of something pleasant. I got nervous, unhappy, and often tried to shake off the memories before they fully took hold of my emotions.
I'd never told him. Why would I have? After all, he was in control of everything. He'd done a good job of convincing me that there wasn't a single action he'd taken that he hadn't calculated. There were some days I wondered if he knew I had suffered and simply thought it was going “all according to plan”.
Suddenly my mind snapped to the person called Julia. I wondered who she was, and what part she'd played in his life. Was she an older, forgotten part of his “plan”, or had she been a recent addition?
It was too painful to think of. She'd introduced a lot of doubt into my life.
Add it to the pile , I thought sadly.
A gurgling noise brought me to attention. Katherine had crawled away and had used the toy box to pull herself into a standing position. She'd done a lot of that lately. The pediatrician had mentioned that her legs were developing well and her muscular strength had increased at a speedy rate in the past few months.
Then she did it, she turned to me, and took three steps toward me. I watched in awe as she steadied herself, smiled, then crashed to her butt on the carpet. She clapped her hands together.
My heart should have swelled. I should have burst into tears of joy and announced it on every social media account I had, but I couldn't fully enjoy it. I was proud of her. I loved that little girl with all my heart, but negativity surrounding Jack seemed to pollute every bit of happiness in my life—even the memory Katherine and I had just created together.
I scooped her into my arms and feathered kisses over her cheeks. “My talented girl,” I whispered. “You walked!” I held her close and buried my face in her downy black curls, closing my eyes and inhaling that fresh powdery scent so particular to babies. “I'm so proud of you. You're the only beautiful thing in my life, my sweet girl … my Katherine.”
After giving her a bath, I laid her down for the night. Lovingly, I watched as she fell sleep. Just as I clicked off the light and stepped into the
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