The Year I Went Pear-Shaped Read Free Page A

when I’ve got so much on my mind!” She said, accidentally knocking the framed photo of Brad Pitt from off her computer and slamming her coffee cup onto her desk, sending a spray of cold, brown liquid onto her keyboard.
    Mandy, a short, voluptuous Italian girl with a fiery temper and breasts that could stop traffic, had gone through four keyboards in six months; she was the in-joke and the secret fantasy amongst the boys down in the IT department.
    Mandy’s problems involved having recently gone home early to find Derek, her unemployed boyfriend (AKA actor ‘between’jobs), in bed with their neighbour. A large, hairy man in his fifties called Donald whose two passions in life were his black poodles, named Rum and Coke, and his herb garden. It also appeared that Donald had a penchant for virile young men with smooth, bronzed skin and hard bodies. Which was totally understandable, said Mandy. But what the hell did Derek see in him? That’s what she wanted to know. While she was trying to figure it out, she’d moved back in with her parents who took every opportunity to tell her that it would have never happened if she’d been with a nice Italian boy.
    “What about a story on women who marry outside of their religion, y’know, like a kind of modern day Romeo and Juliet. We could interview a Muslim girl going out with a Jewish boy, or a Catholic married to a Scientologist or whatever,” I suggested.
    “Mmm, maybe. Or what about ‘My boyfriend left me for a fat, bald man’?” Mandy said bitterly. “I could just write that myself and change all the names which would save the bother of finding a real life case study.”
    “Yeah, great idea but I think we need a celebrity element as well. Some gorgeous celeb who’ll reveal the secrets of their love life and then pose for photos in their beautiful House & Garden home.”
    “Cool, but we’d need a B or C grade celeb, some struggling soap star or someone. A real celeb wouldn’t let us shoot in their living room. What about that cute guy from Love on the Wards? The blonde who plays the randy doctor who’s always shagging the nurses? God, whassisname? Gary? Greg?…”
    “Gordon. It’s Gordon Worsley. And I think that’s a fucking brilliant idea, Mands.”
    Suddenly my plan was crystal clear.

Chapter 3: The Perfect Man
     
    Dear Darla,
    My partner of five years had a one-night-stand recently with some woman he picked up at a bar. He says it meant nothing and he doesn’t want to lose me but I just can’t look at him in the same light. Will I ever be able to trust him again or should I just finish it? Victoria, 29, Fremantle, Perth
     
    Dear Victoria,
    What was he doing picking up women in bars? What do men find it so fucking difficult about keeping their trousers on? How did you find out and has he done this before? Of course he bloody has. I’d be kicking her to the curb Vicky but I guess I should first advise you to find out why he felt the need to go out and have meaningless, cheap sex. It may be a symptom of deeper, unresolved issues in your relationship. Is he feeling insecure or undesirable? Frankly, who cares? Man up and grow a pair I say. There’s also the matter of unpleasant diseases. Did he use protection with this other woman? But should you finish it? The truth is that many men are unfaithful to their partners. There may be plenty of fish in the sea but a lot of them are bastards too.
     
    “No, it's true!” insisted my housemate Anita; crossing her long, smooth legs beneath her as she effortlessly assumed the lotus position.
    With her limbs perfectly arranged she took a sip of Vodka Martini and picked up the menthol cigarette resting in the blue glass, 1970s ashtray sitting on the floor, taking a drag before holding the cigarette out to the side of her head and blowing the smoke towards the ceiling. Anita was a ‘head turner’ as my Aunty Peg would say, and even her shorn blonde hair cut close to her scalp couldn’t hide it. Her huge eyes