The Sniper's Wife Read Free Page B

thing in the morning. The traffic wasn’t to blame, however. It had been the turmoil in his head that had slowed him down and finally forced him off the road somewhere in Connecticut. He’d ended up going for a long, aimless walk before finding himself at a diner, drinking countless cups of coffee and pushing something slimy and uneaten around a plate with his fork.
    None of it had helped. If he’d been more focused, he would have recognized the dangers of reverting to old, destructive, brooding habits, and moved to avoid feeding them. Increasingly, Willy had found that his best chance for peace of mind was in simply getting things done. He didn’t talk about most issues, large or small. He definitely didn’t ask how other people felt about them. He avoided even thinking about them. He just set himself a task, from cooking dinner to running an investigation to making love with Sammie, and then he did it. The trick was to get down that corridor between conception and goal without wasting time, without opening doors along the way, and without suffering fools who might try to make him do so. That’s how he’d finally dealt with the nightmares after ’Nam, how he’d beaten off the alcohol, and how he’d learned to cope with the crippled arm. It’s how he’d partitioned off what he’d done to Mary and what the attending loss of self-respect had cost him.
    He’d finally concluded at the diner that he would therefore cut his ties to Vermont and to Joe Gunther, Sammie Martens, and the hope they represented. That way, if he didn’t survive this trip down memory lane, if he slipped and was dragged under as was already beginning to happen, at least he’d have gone down alone, leaving behind only the memory of the world’s most irascible colleague, friend, and lover.
    And there was a hardheaded correctness to this that he willed himself to believe: He’d be goddamned if he was going to be the kind of excess emotional baggage for others that he’d always claimed others were for him.
    However, as he crossed the Harlem River on the Henry Hudson Bridge with his pager off, and passed the very neighborhood he grew up in and where his mother still lived, he knew in his gut there would be enough baggage to go around for everybody.
    And it wouldn’t be long in coming.
    The visit to Bellevue only aggravated the roiling anxieties Willy was trying so hard to tamp down. Even with a recent and extensive remodeling, the huge hospital and the familiar journey to the morgue reached up like a stifling fog to constrict his throat. As a rookie New York cop so many years before, he’d made this trip a half dozen times, collecting paperwork or dropping things off to help in some busy detective’s investigation. He’d enjoyed being part of something outside a patrolman’s routine and had found the morgue’s forensics aspects interesting and stimulating: all those racked bodies offering entire biographies to those clever and motivated enough to decipher them. These visits had helped him to believe that although at the bottom of the ladder police work left something to be desired, the promises it held justified sticking it out for the long run.
    Of course, that was before he’d drowned all such thinking in the bottom of a bottle.
    The white-coated attendant greeted him at the reception area with little more than a grunt, and he followed him down a long, windowless, antiseptically white hallway, through a pair of double doors. There they entered a huge enhancement of Willy Kunkle’s memory of the place: a tall room, shimmering with fluorescence and equipped with two opposing walls of square, shiny floorto-ceiling steel doors. The sight of it made him stop in his tracks, struck by the image of a storage room full of highend dormitory refrigerators, stacked and ready for shipment, gleaming and new.
    The attendant glanced over his shoulder. “You are all right?” he asked in broken English.
    Willy sensed the man’s concern was purely