too. Something stirred inside me like a bubble. The way you feel on a carousel when you're not used to the up and down of it yet. I'll bet if I dressed this way all the time, things would be very different.
Maddy and I took a walk later on, but of course, in our jeans and T-shirts. Twin Peaks doesn't see many high heels and short skirts without banners all around announcing a dance or festival. We walked to Easter Park and sat in the gazebo for a while. Maddy said that her life at home is fine, "except for the sometimes unbelievable nosiness of my parents." I made sure to quote her exactly there because I thought it was so well put. She said that there are a lot of things in life, she thinks, that don't seem right at first, and then you settle into them.
Maybe that's how I should start thinking. Maybe I should be a better person and not think so much all the time about what is happening to me. I hope someday soon I'll be good enough at this to rid myself of all the things that trouble me so. Things I still cannot even describe other than in bits and pieces. If I am a better person, and if I try harder every day, perhaps all of this will work out.
Love, Laura
July 30, 1984, later
Someday Growing Up Will Come Easier
Deep inside are woman's hills
about to come up
To see the sky
To see the sun and moon
And the tiny stars in the black of a
man's hand
Sometimes in the morning
I'll look across myself
See hills and valleys forming
Think of rivers underground.
Outside me
I am blooming
Inside I am dry
If only I could understand
The reason for my crying
If only I could stop this fear
Of dreaming that I'm dying.
August 2, 1984
Dear Diary,
I haven't written for a long time, and for that I am truly sorry. Maddy left three days ago, and I feel very frightened inside about something I do not understand.
One good thing happened. In the middle of the night last night, I had the most wonderful sensation inside me. Like something warm in my chest, and warm between my legs. My whole body went inside out, it seemed, and I felt like I could just float away.
I think I had one of those orgasms
in my sleep. It's so awful and so embarrassing to write, but kind of nice at the same time.
Right after it, I had this fantasy that a boy came into my room and put his hand across my nightgown and touched me softly. He whispered nice, gentle things, and then said I had to lie very still or he would leave. Then he pulled me to the end of the bed by my feet, and when my knees were bent over the end of my mattress, he made me close my eyes and I felt him open me up, bigger and bigger, and I had to look to see what was happening, and when I did, he was gone. But I looked at my stomach and I was pregnant. He was inside me, but small like a baby. I wish it hadn't ended like that. I don't know why my brain did that. I liked it better when he was pulling me down gently and taking soft control.
Laura
August 7, 1984
Dear Diary,
I spent the afternoon with Troy today, cleaning him, and brushing and feeding him. I was fascinated by how much he seems to understand how I'm feeling. He nuzzled up against me for a long time while I brushed his mane and head, and when I sat down in the corner of his stall, he lowered his head, and I let him breathe all across my neck and face. I wonder if people fall deeply in love with horses the way I love mine, or if I am wrong to be thinking or feeling any of these things.
I wish Donna were here. I really wish Maddy were here. I'm going to call Donna and see if she can come over for a sleepover or something. Maybe I could go there. That might even be better. Sometimes my bedroom is the best place in the world, and other times it is like a place that closes in and suffocates me.
I wonder if it's like that when you die... suffocating. Or if it's like they say it is when you're in church. That you float up and up until Jesus sees you and takes your hand. I'm not sure I want to be near Jesus when I die. I
Maddy and I took a walk later on, but of course, in our jeans and T-shirts. Twin Peaks doesn't see many high heels and short skirts without banners all around announcing a dance or festival. We walked to Easter Park and sat in the gazebo for a while. Maddy said that her life at home is fine, "except for the sometimes unbelievable nosiness of my parents." I made sure to quote her exactly there because I thought it was so well put. She said that there are a lot of things in life, she thinks, that don't seem right at first, and then you settle into them.
Maybe that's how I should start thinking. Maybe I should be a better person and not think so much all the time about what is happening to me. I hope someday soon I'll be good enough at this to rid myself of all the things that trouble me so. Things I still cannot even describe other than in bits and pieces. If I am a better person, and if I try harder every day, perhaps all of this will work out.
Love, Laura
July 30, 1984, later
Someday Growing Up Will Come Easier
Deep inside are woman's hills
about to come up
To see the sky
To see the sun and moon
And the tiny stars in the black of a
man's hand
Sometimes in the morning
I'll look across myself
See hills and valleys forming
Think of rivers underground.
Outside me
I am blooming
Inside I am dry
If only I could understand
The reason for my crying
If only I could stop this fear
Of dreaming that I'm dying.
August 2, 1984
Dear Diary,
I haven't written for a long time, and for that I am truly sorry. Maddy left three days ago, and I feel very frightened inside about something I do not understand.
One good thing happened. In the middle of the night last night, I had the most wonderful sensation inside me. Like something warm in my chest, and warm between my legs. My whole body went inside out, it seemed, and I felt like I could just float away.
I think I had one of those orgasms
in my sleep. It's so awful and so embarrassing to write, but kind of nice at the same time.
Right after it, I had this fantasy that a boy came into my room and put his hand across my nightgown and touched me softly. He whispered nice, gentle things, and then said I had to lie very still or he would leave. Then he pulled me to the end of the bed by my feet, and when my knees were bent over the end of my mattress, he made me close my eyes and I felt him open me up, bigger and bigger, and I had to look to see what was happening, and when I did, he was gone. But I looked at my stomach and I was pregnant. He was inside me, but small like a baby. I wish it hadn't ended like that. I don't know why my brain did that. I liked it better when he was pulling me down gently and taking soft control.
Laura
August 7, 1984
Dear Diary,
I spent the afternoon with Troy today, cleaning him, and brushing and feeding him. I was fascinated by how much he seems to understand how I'm feeling. He nuzzled up against me for a long time while I brushed his mane and head, and when I sat down in the corner of his stall, he lowered his head, and I let him breathe all across my neck and face. I wonder if people fall deeply in love with horses the way I love mine, or if I am wrong to be thinking or feeling any of these things.
I wish Donna were here. I really wish Maddy were here. I'm going to call Donna and see if she can come over for a sleepover or something. Maybe I could go there. That might even be better. Sometimes my bedroom is the best place in the world, and other times it is like a place that closes in and suffocates me.
I wonder if it's like that when you die... suffocating. Or if it's like they say it is when you're in church. That you float up and up until Jesus sees you and takes your hand. I'm not sure I want to be near Jesus when I die. I
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