The Science of Discworld Revised Edition Read Free Page A

listening already knew all about it. With the senior wizards, though, he’d need to explain the meaning of every word. In some cases this would mean words like ‘the’ and ‘and’.
    He glanced down at the water jug on his lectern, and decided to extemporize.
    Ponder held up a glass of water.
    ‘Do you realize, gentlemen,’ he said, ‘that the thaumic potential in this water … that is, I mean to say, the magical field generated by its narrativium content which tells it that it
is
water and lets it keep on being water instead of, haha, a pigeon or a frog … would, if we could release it, be enough to move this whole university all the way to the moon?’
    He beamed at them.
    ‘Better leave it in there, then,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
    Ponder’s smile froze.
    ‘Obviously we cannot extract
all
of it,’ he said, ‘But we –’
    ‘Enough to get a small part of the university to the moon?’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
    ‘The Dean could do with a holiday,’ said the Archchancellor.
    ‘I resent that remark, Archchancellor.’
    ‘Just trying to lighten the mood, Dean.’
    ‘
But we can
release just enough for all kinds of useful work,’ said Ponder, already struggling.
    ‘Like heating my study,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘My water jug was iced up
again
this morning.’
    ‘Exactly!’ said Ponder, striking out madly for a useful Lie-to-Wizards. ‘We can use it to boil a great big kettle! That’s all it is! It’s perfectly harmless! Not dangerous in any way! That’s why the University Council let me build it! You wouldn’t have let me build it if it was dangerous, would you?’
    He gulped down the water.
    As one man, the assembled wizards took several steps backwards.
    ‘Let us know what it’s like up there,’ said the Dean.
    ‘Bring us back some rocks. Or something,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
    ‘Wave to us’, said the Senior Wrangler. ‘We’ve got quite a good telescope.’
    Ponder stared at the empty glass, and readjusted his mental sights once more.
    ‘Er, no,’ he said. ‘The fuel has to go inside the reacting engine, you see. And then … and then …’
    He gave up.
    ‘The magic goes round and round and it comes up under the boiler that we have plumbed in and the university will then be lovely and warm,’ he said. ‘Any questions?’
    ‘Where does the coal go?’ said the Dean. ‘It’s wicked what the dwarfs are charging these days.’
    ‘No, sir. No coal. The heat is … free,’ said Ponder. A little bead of sweat ran down his face.
    ‘Really?’ said the Dean. ‘That’ll be a saving, then, eh, Bursar? Eh? Where’s the Bursar?’
    ‘Ah … er … the Bursar is assisting me today, sir,’ said Ponder. He pointed to the high gallery over the court. The Bursar was standing there, smiling his distant smile, and holding an axe. A rope was tied around the handrail, looped over a beam, and held a long heavy rod suspended over the centre of the reaction engine.
    ‘It is … er …
just
possible that the engine may produce too much magic,’ said Ponder. ‘The rod is lead, laminated with rowan wood. Together they naturally damp down any magical reaction, you see. So if things get too … if we want to settle things down, you see, he just chops through the rope and it drops into the very centre of the reacting engine, you see.’
    ‘What’s that man standing next to him for?’
    ‘That’s Mr Turnipseed, my assistant. He’s the backup fail-safe device.’
    ‘What does he do, then?’
    ‘His job is to shout “For gods’ sakes cut the rope now!” sir.’
    The wizard nodded at one another. By the standards of Ankh-Morpork, where the common thumb was used as a temperature measuring device, this was health and safety at work taken to extremes.
    ‘Well, that all seems safe enough to me,’ said the Senior Wrangler.
    ‘Where did you get the idea for this, Mister Stibbons?’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Well, er, a lot of it is from my own