The School of Beauty and Charm Read Free Page A

traipse through half the choice new residences in town, noting pet stains on stair treads, unappealing shower curtains, odors of diapers, whiskey, or take-out food. Then they return to Mansion Avenue, where they select the same five white mansions they put on tour every year.
    Still fuming from Red Cavern’s dismissal of her house,which Grandmother Deleuth had dutifully shared over the phone, Florida was determined to present Owl Aerie to the DAR. Henry balked, but he lost like a gentleman, and after locking up his financial records and personal correspondence, hiding the contraceptives, and polishing the forty-one plaques of recognition on his study walls, he left the enterprise alone. He was at work when Lacy Dalton, Regina Bloodworth, and Shirley Frommlecker arrived. Although Shirley was not in the DAR, she was rich, and as our official decorator, she took the privilege of showing the house—“To drum up business,” Henry said.
    From my vantage point on the roof, I watched the Frommlecker’s tank roll up our steep driveway and disappear behind a bend of crepe myrtle, where it stalled out. For a few minutes, the sound of birds was drowned in Lacy Dalton’s shriek, punctuated by Shirley’s exclamation, “Isn’t this the most original thing you’ve ever seen!”
    In a low voice that carried straight up to the roof, Regina said, “Indeed.” Regina had been legally blind in both eyes for a decade. When relatives urged her to have corrective eye surgery, she turned up her nose. “Hospitals stink,” she said. “Besides, I’ve seen everything. None of it is as interesting as what I can imagine.” A pillar of the DAR, Regina accompanies her friend Lacy to each of the residences seeking admission to the Tour of Homes, and Lacy considers her input invaluable.
    â€œHold on to your hats, ladies!” cried Shirley, as she gunned the machine back into gear and brought it to a screeching halt at the back door. She drove the only Tracked Troop Carrier in town, given to her by Dr. Frommlecker after she had wrecked two Lincolns. Sliding across the roof on my belly, I dipped myhead over the edge to watch as Shirley, wearing a paisley skirt and a turban, directed the women away from our garage door and onto the raised walkway that crosses a cactus garden and eventually leads to the disguised front door. Lacy Dalton, who is shaped like a watermelon, wore a wraparound kelly-green skirt covered with watermelons, a watermelon-pink blouse and matching espadrilles. She tottered along with one hand on her hip so that Regina could hook her long thin arm through Lucy’s short fat one.
    Regina always wore black, so that she could dress herself. She kept her silver hair cut short above her ears, like a man, and despite everyone’s warnings that one day she’d be knocked down and robbed, she adorned her person with half a million dollar’s worth of jewels. Even her cane glittered with diamonds as it tapped along the planks. She smelled faintly of rum and vanilla. With their arms linked, the two women walked in practiced synchronicity behind the turbaned Shirley, who was talking a mile a minute. From the corner of my eye, I saw the white flash of Roderick’s hair in the sun. He was hunting lizards beneath the trampoline. Silently, I descended the dogwood tree.
    â€œI kid you not,” Shirley was saying over her shoulder. “There she stood, in the middle of Front Street, at ten o’clock in the morning, naked as a jaybird. Agnes had just done her hair.”
    â€œFrenchie Smartt’s girlfriend?”
    â€œLive-in. I can’t recall her name.”
    â€œI know I’ve seen her. The one with the bosoms?”
    â€œOf course I didn’t stop the car, but I can tell you that she wears an underwire bra.”
    â€œWhat goes up . . .” said Regina.
    â€œLawdee,” said Lacy, turning serious. “Someone really ought to do