The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant Read Free Page A

to take another’s power and then use it for mutual pleasure. If you already seek to maximize your partner’s gratification, you have a mindset that will adapt well to BDSM.
    Do you want an easy relationship with you as the unquestioned boss?
    If yes, then BDSM is unlikely to be for you. A BDSM relationship is more, not less, complex than one that is purely vanilla. This is because BDSM relationships generally have all the components of a vanilla relationship, plus those that are unique to BDSM.
    It is common to hear dominants talk about how hard they have to work. This is because in exchange for the power that is given us, we must find ways of using that power for the benefit and pleasure of both participants. At the same time, because of the trust given us, we must be very sure that nothing we do is harmful to anyone in the relationship. This kind of careful balancing act certainly isn’t attractive to someone looking for an easy ride.
    Have you been in an abusive relationship and would like to “turn the tables” on someone like the person who abused you?
    This is another rough start. A significant number of people in BDSM have been in abusive relationships, and some of them consciously use BDSM psychodramas to help them work through the negative feelings that resulted from these experiences.
    However, revenge is a poor motivation for such an intimate relationship, and it is likely to result in further damage to your self-esteem.
    Why do you want to control another person?
    This is a sticky one. Film star Vanessa del Rio once told me one of her earliest fantasies was of having a group of tiny people in the palm of her hand. She loved to imagine that she had complete control of them, but, to me, the key was that she imagined that she would use this power to make them happy.
    The desire to help, to enhance or to make others happy is common among dominants. This may be why so many dominants are in the teaching and helping professions: medicine, social work, religion. Other-centered people make good dominants. Self-centered people often find that the strain of the responsibilities inherent in a BDSM relationship is overwhelming.
    In a consensual relationship, control applied purely to self-gratification is a self-limiting proposition. Submissives who do not get what they are looking for are unlikely to remain in a relationship for very long.
    Do you have fantasies involving nonconsensual activities or harm to another?
    This isn’t as serious as you may believe. The trick is being able to keep the fantasies inside your head and separate from the scene you are playing with another person. Most of us have large, hairy monsters in the dark corners of our mind. What separates the civilized from the uncivilized is how tight a leash we keep on them.
    Having fantasies is all right; acting on them isn’t. Aside from being totally against the ethical principles of the scene, such “play” can get you locked up with other people who believe in nonconsensual play, and they may be bigger than you are.

Dig All Those Crazy People
    Why? Why do people do this? Why do people love this? Some of us are fascinated with the genesis of these feelings and enjoy searching for the root cause of our desires. Others, myself included, hold with Alexander Pope that, “Like following life though creatures you dissect, you lose it in the moment you detect it.”
    Sometimes, I suspect that too close an examination can actually destroy the feelings being studied, and I recognize that an understanding of causes is not necessary for enjoyment. I have only the vaguest idea of why chocolate ice cream tastes good, but that ignorance decreases neither my enjoyment nor my consumption.
    I’ll admit my sexual tastes are more unusual than love for chocolate ice cream. Still, no one has done deep analyses of why some people like chocolate sauce on their pizza. People who love it pack the Hershey’s syrup on trips to Pizza Hut, and the rest of us avert our