The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. and Death. Read Free Page B

“alternative medicine” These usually begin with solemn advice against succumbing to quackery, followed by a simple nine-step formula for curing lymphomas via the teachings of Mohammed Ibn Rajneesh and the use of beet suppositories.
    Alternative medicine books take elaborate measures to appear serious and scientific. I am right now leafing through
Alternatives in Cancer Therapy,
by Ross Pelton and Lee Overholser, featuring an endorsement on the cover by Linus Pauling, the two-time Nobel laureate.
Alternatives in Cancer Therapy
soberly evaluates treatments that include eating mistletoe, taking enemas made from strong coffee, and drinking urine.
    My book is like none of those. 7 Unlike the family medical guides, this book will dispense no practical medical advice whatsoever. Unlike the alternative medical books, it will advance no mountebank cures. Unlike the medical texts, it will not be condescending to the reader. 8 It will mention thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura only for the purpose of observing that, among all diseases the author has encountered in the course of his extensive medical research requiring many, many footnotes, 9 it has the second-funniest name. 10
    Last, let me say that although this book will raise some legitimate concerns about health, it will not use scare tactics to inflame the public’s fears in the manner that, say, untreatedappendicitis can inflame the appendix until it bursts, choking the bloodstream with deadly toxins and snuffing out your life in fifteen minutes of writhing agony. We are living in an era of fabulous preventive medicine. After all, it is not every day that some guy goes to the doctor because he is peeing a lot and learns he has a prostate the size of a bagpipe, though I personally know of two people this happened to.
    They did not buy this book either, and now they are dead.
    1 Sneezing.
    2 Nosebleed.
    3 Goose bumps.
    4 Fever.
    5 Sweating.
    6 Hiccups.
    7 It is also unlike
Hystories,
a popular 1997 book by Elaine Showalter suggesting that many trendy diseases of the modern era-such as chronic fatigue syndrome—are not real, but hysterical reactions to the tensions of modern life. This book led to strong opposition by CFS sufferers, who claimed it belittled them and their affliction. Their opposition dramatically increased sales of
Hystories,
an obscure scholarly treatise, because chronic fatigue syndrome sufferers kept showing up to picket Ms. Showalter’s public appearances. I wonder if they wore bunny rabbit slippers and Dr. Denton’s pajamas, with the little tushy flap in the back. I hereby express my solidarity with CFS sufferers and other whining nutcakes, including victims of “seasonal affective disorder.” I will fight to the death for their right to picket my book.
    8 “Condescending” is a great big word that means “talking down to.”
    9 Some of my footnotes even have footnotes. 11
    10 The funniest name: “beer potomania.” See Chapter 12 , “Are You an Alcoholic?”
    11 Like this one.

Relax, Hypochondria Never Killed Anyone. Oh, Wait. Yes, It Did.

    People have always been worried about their health, and some people have always been more worried than others. The ancient Greeks coined the term
hypochondrion
to indicate the part of the torso beneath the rib cage, which is where most early hypochondriacs imagined their pains. Typically, the sufferer never got better, attributing his condition to what the ancient Greek doctors considered fanciful, even laughable causes.
    Think about that. These were primitive times. If you had a
real
case of, say, influenza, the finest medical minds in the world would consult on your case and decide you had an evil salamander dwelling in your spleen. What could the hypochondriac possibly have imagined that seemed bizarre to these people?
    First Greek Doctor: I’m at my wits’ end with Eucalyptus. He blames his sore throat on-get this-teensy invisible creatures that