The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. and Death. Read Free

puking it all out is a great way to purge the body of toxins. Unless it leads to a rupture of the esophagus, septicemia, peritonitis, febrile dementia, and death.
    This book will also describe many rudimentary medical tests that, in the hands of the trained clinician, can be invaluable diagnostic tools. These tests are so simple that you could perform them on yourself, in the privacy of your home. Not that youshould. Doctors have spent years studying the proper techniques of physical examination. No reputable writer would encourage untrained persons to engage in self-diagnosis, particularly hypochondriacs, who may be needlessly alarmed. For quick reference I will thumbnail each test with a handy icon.
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    Quick! Go to the mirror. Open your mouth. Look at your uvula, the thing that hangs down at the back like a garden slug. Is it pulsing? It shouldn’t be. When your uvula throbs in time with your heartbeat it is called Mueller’s sign, and it can indicate heart disease! You could die!
    Now insert the tips of your three middle fingers into your mouth, making a vertical stack, without touching your lips or teeth. If you cannot open your mouth that wide, you might have temporomandibular joint syndrome; worse, you might have systemic sclerosis, a grotesque progressive illness in which your skin hardens and contracts and can slowly garrote the life out of you.
    With your palm facing you, tap lightly on the very center of your wrist. You are performing the Tinel test. If you feel a radiating numbness in your hand, you might have early carpal tunnel syndrome, which can eventually turn your hands into appendages as useful and attractive as a tyrannosaurus’s.
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    In the end this book is going to present a surefire cure for hypochondria—a dramatic, natural remedy as effective as Bactine on a boo-boo. I could disclose it here, but I won’t. This is a literary technique called foreshadowing, previously employed by famous literary individuals such as William Shakespeare. In the hands of the unscrupulous, foreshadowing can be nothing more than misleading hype. The responsible writer promises no more than he can deliver. I will say only this: I am going to keep hinting at my cure for hypochondria until I finally disclose it, and you will have an orgasm.
    To find out if this book is “for you,” take this simple Grade-Ur-Self Multiple-Choice Test. There are nine questions. Score onepoint for each answer numbered 1, two points for each answer numbered 2, and three points for each answer numbered 3.
    THE HYPOCHONDRIA SELF-EXAM
Carefully wash and dry your hands. Now touch your left nipple with your right hand. Knead the nipple between your thumb and forefinger, rolling it gently but firmly in a counterclockwise direction. What do you feel?
Stupid.
A nipple.
Small, benign enlargements and/or impacted pores that are probably no cause for alarm.
You feel you might have a fever. So you:
Crank up the air-conditioning.
Take your temperature.
Take your temperature, and when you insert the thermometer you are pretty sure you notice an extra lump in that thing under the tongue that looks like a sea urchin, so you walk around with your tongue in the air, asking everyone if they see anything wrong, only they can’t understand you because it comes out “Arll lralll lallrhal?”
Within 38 to 40 minutes of eating a heavy meal, do you sometimes find that your pyloric sphincter fails to relax adequately, causing excessive peptic digestion accompanied by mild-to-moderate upper gastric distress and followed 18 to 22 hours later by chalky stools?
Huh?
Sphincter? Wha?
Yes.
When did you last see a doctor?
Two years ago or more.
In the past two years.
You are reading this in your doctor’s office. You are having him check out that left nipple, just to be sure.
You notice a slight pain in your armpit when you lift your arm in a certain way. Do you:
Stop lifting your arm in that certain way.
Check for lumps.
Check for