The Fifth Elephant Read Free Page A

AgyANsct CrUle T To DoGs.

    “Not a thing,” he said.
    “My clerks say that one like it is pushed under the door most nights,” said the Patrician. “Apparently no one is seen.”
    “Do you want me to investigate?” said Vimes. “It shouldn’t be hard to find someone in this city who dribbles when he writes and spells even worse than Carrot.”
    “Thank you, sir,” said Carrot.
    “None of the guards report noticing anyone,” said the Patrician. “Is there any group in Ankh-Morpork particularly interested in the welfare of dogs?”
    “I doubt it, sir.”
    “Then I shall ignore it pro tem,” said Vetinari. He let the soggy letter splash into the wastepaper basket.
    “On to more pressing matters,” he said briskly. “Now, then…what do you know about Bonk?”
    Vimes stared.
    There was a polite cough from Carrot.
    “The river or the town, sir?” he said.
    The Patrician smiled. “Ah, Captain, you have long ago ceased to surprise me. Yes, I was referring to the town.”
    “It’s one of the major towns in Überwald, sir,” said Carrot, balancing the umlaut perfectly. “Exports: precious metals, leather, timber and of course fat from the deep fat mines at Shmaltzberg—”
    “There’s a place called Bonk?” said Vimes, still marveling at the speed with which they’d got here from a damp letter about dogs.
    “Strictly speaking, sir, it’s more correctly pronounced Beyonk,” said Carrot.
    “Even so—”
    “And in Beyonk, sir, ‘morpork’ sounds exactly like their words for an item of ladies’ underwear,” said Carrot. “There’s only so many syllables in the world, when you think about it.”
    “How do you know all this stuff, Carrot?”
    “Oh, you pick it up, sir. Here and there.”
    “Really? So exactly which item of—”
    “Something extremely important will be taking place there in a few weeks,” said Lord Vetinari. “Something which, I have to add, is vital to the future prosperity of Ankh-Morpork.”
    “The crowning of the Low King,” said Carrot.
    Vimes stared from Carrot to the Patrician, and back again.
    “Is there some kind of circular that goes around that doesn’t get as far as me?” he said.
    “The dwarf community has been talking about little else for months, sir.”
    “Really?” said Vimes. “You mean the riots? Those fights every night in the dwarf bars?”
    “Captain Carrot is correct, Vimes. It will be a grand occasion, attended by representatives of many governments. And from various Uberwald principalities, of course, because the Low King only rules those areas of Uberwald that are below ground. His favor is valuable. Borogravia and Genua will be there, without a doubt, and probably even Klatch.”
    “Klatch? But they’re even farther from Uberwald than we are! What are they bothering to go for?”
    He paused for a moment, and then added: “Hah. I’m being stupid. Where’s the money?”
    “I beg your pardon, Commander?”
    “That’s what my old sergeant used so say when he was puzzled, sir. Find out where the money is and you’ve got it half-solved.”
    Vetinari stood up and walked over to the big window, with his back to them.
    “A large country, Uberwald,” he said, apparently addressing the glass. “Dark. Mysterious. Ancient…”
    “Huge untapped reserves of coal and iron ore,” said Carrot. “And fat, of course. The best candles, lamp oils and soap come ultimately from the Shmaltzberg deposits.”
    “Why? We’ve got our own slaughterhouse, haven’t we?”
    “Ankh-Morpork uses a great many candles, sir.”
    “It certainly doesn’t use much soap,” said Vimes.
    “There are so many uses for fats and tallows, sir. We couldn’t possibly supply ourselves.”
    “Ah,” said Vimes.
    The Patrician sighed.
    “Obviously I hope that we may strengthen our trading links with the various nations within Uberwald,” he said. “The situation there is volatile in the extreme. Do you know much about Uberwald, Commander Vimes?”
    Vimes, whose