out of this cage before I lost my mind.
Keeping my thoughts off Emilio, Jonas, and this pregnancy was difficult. It was going to take that and more to keep me from losing my mind. There had to be decent distractions available around here. The sooner, the better.
This was no place to be cooped up forever.
Closing my eyes, I listened to the melancholy drumming of raindrops splashing the exterior of the building. I could hear lyrics inside my brain aching to get out. Times like these wreaked havoc on my mental health, and the process of writing it out in lyrics and songs was therapeutic. I sighed and took one more glance out the window. There was nothing to do but move on. Keep going. Keep singing.
I reached for my guitar, pulling my sound equipment along with it to sit near me, and leaned against the window. I tweaked a few knobs and hit buttons on the mini drum pad. Beginning with a slow beat to cycle through, I let the low vibration fill me up. Next, I set up my microphone so it crouched level with my mouth. I pulled the guitar strap over my head again and began to strum out chords. Hitting the record button, I sang a note into the mike, letting it drag on until it faded, before thumping the pad once more. Turning more knobs to get duplicate tracks running, I added more background vocals this way, synchronizing the music along with interchanging beats.
It was time consuming at first, but once all the instruments were going and the recorded vocals harmonized in an endless loop, I started the song I’d been haunted by for days, already written out in my ever constant companion of a notebook.
“Nothing stays the same
No one ever does
And the bitter face you own
While you say you never have
Doesn’t cover the lies you’ve told
I’ve held your hand
Kissed your wounds
For I’d kill for you
This I do willingly for you
Drown in this river
I would for you
Sing until the notes run out
Just for you
There’s no one else but me for you
But you don’t think that way
How else do I prove this love to you?
When you just walked away?”
I paused, letting the beat continue without me. My background vocals echoed and haunted the apartment as they bounced across the walls and hit me like a gun shot. I let my mind wander to Emilio as I bobbed my head to the beat. The bastard hadn’t returned my calls this week. Sure, I’d called him at a time other than the agreed upon one, but I needed to talk to him. Maybe I’d tell him about the pregnancy. How could he profess his love and say he missed me when he didn’t even answer his phone? He could, I just knew it. But he didn’t.
Then there was Jonas. He at least told me he was on business back in Mexico for a week. They were both down there now, and it made me wonder if that was why I hadn’t heard from either of them. What did they think of each other? Emilio knew about Jonas, and I was pretty sure Jonas knew something was going on with Emilio and I. Why put me through these forced separations from either one? Something had to be going down if Emilio was too preoccupied to receive my calls.
Or maybe he was being monitored more than I’d originally thought.
I groaned, rubbing my face until my cheeks burned hot. This all left me confused, hurt, and feeling casted off. It made my emotions span from wanting to cry my heart out to a raw anger, boiling in my veins and ready to set the place on fire. I shook off the feelings, finding tears streaking down my face and dripping onto my shirt, regardless of how hard I tried to keep it at bay.
The music continued as I scanned the room. The bed was unmade. My clothes hung out of my suitcase and were strewed across the floor. Cables, equipment, and a sack of picks spread across the floor like snakes and frogs sitting in the pit, surrounding me. Snack wrappers littered what little carpet could be seen. One hot mess. I snapped out of my daydream and took it all in with a sickening horror.
I’d fallen to
Keeping my thoughts off Emilio, Jonas, and this pregnancy was difficult. It was going to take that and more to keep me from losing my mind. There had to be decent distractions available around here. The sooner, the better.
This was no place to be cooped up forever.
Closing my eyes, I listened to the melancholy drumming of raindrops splashing the exterior of the building. I could hear lyrics inside my brain aching to get out. Times like these wreaked havoc on my mental health, and the process of writing it out in lyrics and songs was therapeutic. I sighed and took one more glance out the window. There was nothing to do but move on. Keep going. Keep singing.
I reached for my guitar, pulling my sound equipment along with it to sit near me, and leaned against the window. I tweaked a few knobs and hit buttons on the mini drum pad. Beginning with a slow beat to cycle through, I let the low vibration fill me up. Next, I set up my microphone so it crouched level with my mouth. I pulled the guitar strap over my head again and began to strum out chords. Hitting the record button, I sang a note into the mike, letting it drag on until it faded, before thumping the pad once more. Turning more knobs to get duplicate tracks running, I added more background vocals this way, synchronizing the music along with interchanging beats.
It was time consuming at first, but once all the instruments were going and the recorded vocals harmonized in an endless loop, I started the song I’d been haunted by for days, already written out in my ever constant companion of a notebook.
“Nothing stays the same
No one ever does
And the bitter face you own
While you say you never have
Doesn’t cover the lies you’ve told
I’ve held your hand
Kissed your wounds
For I’d kill for you
This I do willingly for you
Drown in this river
I would for you
Sing until the notes run out
Just for you
There’s no one else but me for you
But you don’t think that way
How else do I prove this love to you?
When you just walked away?”
I paused, letting the beat continue without me. My background vocals echoed and haunted the apartment as they bounced across the walls and hit me like a gun shot. I let my mind wander to Emilio as I bobbed my head to the beat. The bastard hadn’t returned my calls this week. Sure, I’d called him at a time other than the agreed upon one, but I needed to talk to him. Maybe I’d tell him about the pregnancy. How could he profess his love and say he missed me when he didn’t even answer his phone? He could, I just knew it. But he didn’t.
Then there was Jonas. He at least told me he was on business back in Mexico for a week. They were both down there now, and it made me wonder if that was why I hadn’t heard from either of them. What did they think of each other? Emilio knew about Jonas, and I was pretty sure Jonas knew something was going on with Emilio and I. Why put me through these forced separations from either one? Something had to be going down if Emilio was too preoccupied to receive my calls.
Or maybe he was being monitored more than I’d originally thought.
I groaned, rubbing my face until my cheeks burned hot. This all left me confused, hurt, and feeling casted off. It made my emotions span from wanting to cry my heart out to a raw anger, boiling in my veins and ready to set the place on fire. I shook off the feelings, finding tears streaking down my face and dripping onto my shirt, regardless of how hard I tried to keep it at bay.
The music continued as I scanned the room. The bed was unmade. My clothes hung out of my suitcase and were strewed across the floor. Cables, equipment, and a sack of picks spread across the floor like snakes and frogs sitting in the pit, surrounding me. Snack wrappers littered what little carpet could be seen. One hot mess. I snapped out of my daydream and took it all in with a sickening horror.
I’d fallen to
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