The Devil and Danielle Webster Read Free Page B

reward for motherly perseverance was a pair of droopy
breasts featuring saucer-sized nipples.  My most recent boyfriend had
professed to find them attractive, which made me suspicious of all his other
professions of regard.  Those suspicions were confirmed when, shortly
after, he stopped calling or texting me.
    Speaking of texting, Jill had not responded to my
text.  I wasn’t really too surprised, considering that it was 2 AM and she
had a prescription for her insomnia.  If she were awake, she’d have been
all over that text.  The woman had a certified texting addiction.  I
refused to ride with her, because she texted in rush-hour traffic.  I got
a text from her once when she was sitting in a restroom stall at El Pollo Loco, down the street from our office.  End
result of that text was that I had to drive over and deliver a tampon.  A
couple years back while waiting for novocaine to kick
in, she’d texted in the right answer to a question about her favorite band to
Good Morning Phoenix, and won tickets to their concert that night.  She
immediately sent out a blast text, “won backstage ass w green day!” 
 After an onslaught of “huh” responses, she clarified, “*PASS”
 “sorry, getting root canal LOL”   I think
the dentist had had to threaten to take the phone away from her until he was
done.  Anyway, it looked as if I would have to wait until morning to pick
her legal brain.  The problem at hand was now over his vertigo and pacing
the floor.
    “You wanted to see me, again,” Doug said slowly. 
“Why?”
    I could feel myself flushing.  “I was
actually, uh, kind of wanting to relive some of the old times.  You
know, I was just fantasizing about the past, reliving my misspent youth. 
I didn’t want you whisked out of your bed and dropped here from the sky, but,
dang, that seems to be exactly what happened.”
    “You were fantasizing about me?”
    “Not that kind of fantasizing!  Just being nostalgic
for the past, for being 23 again, that kind of thing.”
     “You wanted to see me again to talk about old
times?  Excuse me if I don’t quite believe that.  What else aren’t
you telling me?  And what do you mean about the Devil?”
    “Okay,” I said.  I was really annoyed now.  “I
said that I’d like to have one night of passion with Doug Morris, and this guy
who looked like a salesman was suddenly there.  I never thought of it, but sales is perfect.” 
    “I’m in sales,” he pointed out.  “Salesmen aren’t all
bad.”
    “Oh, no?   The ones I’ve known
would sell their own grandmothers for enough money.”
    “Danielle, it’s four in the freakin ’
morning—“
    “Chicago time,” I said.  “It’s only 2 AM here—“
    “—and I have to get ready for work soon.  Whatever you
did, just undo it now, okay?  I want to get a couple more hours of sleep.”
    “Doug.  I didn’t do this and I have no idea how to undo
it.  Got that?  But my guess is that this is happening in some sort
of time freeze, sort of like Scrooge’s three nights with the ghosts of
Christmas.”
    “What the hell are you talking about?”
    “That’s right, you never did do any
reading.  Never mind.  But when this is over, you’ll probably find
yourself back in your bed.  When Tina wakes you up in the morning, you’ll
tell her, ‘Honey, you wouldn’t believe the wacky dream I had last night.’”
    “Oh, no, I won’t,” he said with assurance.
    “Ha.  She’s the jealous type?”
    “Not of you.”
    “Oh, that was nice.  Spoken as a true
gentleman.”
    “Well, take a good look in the mirror, Danielle, and maybe
you’ll stop laughing at my dental hygiene—“
    “—Lack of it—” I corrected helpfully.
    “For example, aren’t you a bit old for the teenage
complexion?”
    “Aren’t you a bit old to be passing out middle school
insults?  What next, poop jokes?”
    “And geez, you’ve really piled the pounds on—“
    “I had three babies, what’s your