The Darling Buds of June Read Free Page A

in Speed Red
Carpet Unrolling. We think the interactive course was legit (?) as
she has only rolled out one pixel carpet using drag and drop, with
a dodgy mouse, on her son’s old laptop (under his supervision of
course, as she doesn’t understand computers); but, her certificate,
which she downloaded and printed out, looks pretty darn impressive
if the FAT Bs do say so themselves! So, well done Gladys! Lovely!
Gladys was given a free strip of raffle tickets and has the chance
of winning this month’s top prize, a toy compass that really works,
for her walking frame.”
     
    KEEPING OUR
SHOULD BE (ALMOST) FAMOUS POET AT REST, PROPERLY
    “Us FAT Bs have
had a meeting with the council. We told them that it would be a
great idea to have another headstone made for the grave of our
great and beloved artiste Gillian nay Wakespeare and her husband
(down there with her) Stan Stashaway. This is by no means a way of
attracting rich multinational tourists of course, but the fact is;
why shouldn’t we have a gravestone at which we can lay flowers and
little notes of respect?
    Here’s how and
why we lost the original.
    Stratford
Council, in a fit of jealous rage, which was triggered when a bus
of American spondulix drove right through their town and into ours
... well, ok, this was because the passengers had seen us FAT Bs
standing on the road into Stratford, waving several banners saying
things such as ‘Forget this place!’ and: ‘Carry on to Alcester and
discover a clean river ‘and’ Gillian nay W’ And: ‘Our river’s
clean, not like this one!’ AND: ‘At least our river has a ‘proper’
NAME’ .
    In the
resulting fit of jealous rage, they came to Alcester one night a
couple of years back, and pinched the original headstone in order
to ruin ‘our’ tourist trade! So, the proposed new headstone will be
put at the ‘deciding mercy of locals’, who can vote whether they
want one or not (like the X Factor). After they have voted, we FAT
Bs will have the final decision; we believe in democracy you see,
but, we also believe in politics, which, if not mistaken, is
Dictatorship (if not, then how can civil disobedience exist?).
    A bit of bad
news …
    Fulke Greville,
from Stratford (?), thought to have written Shakespeare’s works.
Ha! Rubbish! Well, he can’t of, of course can he, unless that son-of-a-bitch was onto OUR Gillian as well?
Naaaa. She would never have gone for his haircut ... pic coming
up.
    This is a mardy
little attack in retaliation for grabbing that bus-full of American
tourists from right under their noses. They have actually picked on
an innocent to overshadow our own Genius. Sir Fulke Greville
(founder/provider of the world’s greatest expletive, through slip
of drunken tongue, and also the founder of cool haircuts), who died
in 1559, had, with his Baroness wife, Elizabeth Née (not nay)
Willoughby, fifteen children (two died). Because of these 13
(unlucky for some) children, who bred and had let’s say, 26, who
all bred … etc., etc., the world is populated to the extent that it
is now, and most of the Fulkers have got cars and factories …
hence, he must be partly guilty for the Greenhouse effect, not
Shakespeare’s bloody works.
    We think this
is unfair, as some of the Fulkes may work from home on computers
and therefore only leave small carbon footprints. So, at the
moment, we are discussing our course of action (if any), in local
pub with the Lord Mayor when we manage to find him that is, which
we always regret, as he always manages to cadge a drink out of each
one of us … that’s power!
    Interestingly,
Fulke called himself, Master of Shakespeare, claiming to have
written at least some of his works. You can now dismiss that
piffle, as how would he have nicked Gillian’s work? Maybe she gave
him it in confidence, for what? Or, maybe she fancied him and
wanted him in her hemp knickers and she gave him it willingly, as
he valued it so highly and gave it to Shakespeare to ruin? Or