The Darling Buds of June Read Free

it tasted horrible but the hallucinations
he had on life support were interesting. Cedric has the softest
arse in Alcester, or so it says on the wall of the public loo, in
the local Vicar’s handwriting (scandal in Alcester).
    The FAT Bs also
decided unanimously that the authorities in Stratford didn’t
(don’t) even have any imagination! (At all). So they wouldn’t be
able to make bumper stickers like the FAT B’s. That news raised a
cheer!
    For instance,
Stratford has a river flowing through it, the River Avon, which
didn’t require much imagination. The river Avon though is famous of
course, and should you decide to fritter your hard earned cash on a
yearned for visit … ‘because Shakespeare lived there’, you will
notice that for every duck, goose or swan which floats on the
surface, there is an empty pop bottle, a can, and a crisp bag
etc ., floating nearby (how nice). However,
concerning the authorities’ lack of imagination: the word ‘Avon’
derives from the Welsh, Afon, which means river (clever bunch us
FAT Bs). So what’s the point of having a river, called ‘river’?!
But, you already knew that, so sorry and all that.”
     
    ***
     
    ‘VISIT
ALCESTER, ‘THE’ TOWN IN WAKESPEARE COUNTRY’
     
     
    ***
     
     

     
    Idyllic local
fungi (it was either that or a tin can; but, we can’t copy
Stratford can we) .
     
    Subliminal
advert:’
    Don’t visit
Stratford, come to Alcester. It’s lovelier and better tempered.
     
    End of this
month’s report.
     
     
    Month 2
     
    “Hello, Mole
here (and ME). Welcome to this month’s report. Here are the
minutes, from the FAT Bs meeting: After our last successful meeting
(argument) about car bumper stickers, we have decided to maybe,
also ‘probably’ you never know (?), make a badge for tourists,
which will say, “I don’t live here, I’m a tourist”, as opposed to
the old, “I’m not a tourist, I live here!”
    This will make
them easily recognisable, so that the owners of local businesses
can show them friendliness and helpfulness, and not take them for
granted like they do the locals (Coventry? Don’t go there).
Hopefully then they will spend loads of £cash£ in Alcester, and
nowhere near the same amount if they visit that snobby litterbin,
Stratford. Alcester loves a healthy economy.
    Arthur (78),
one of our valued and extremely keen and athletic members, has
started up an exciting new society, with our blessing. The SAAT
Society, or Spot an American Tourist Society. Members will walk
around the main and back streets with hand held radios (bought with
cash from an undisclosed source), and when an American tourist is
spotted (usually by the accent, the Stetson, or the man’s blinding
white suit), they will be followed, and the shop(s) which the
family head for, will be very quickly pre- warned and therefore
pre-armed.
    The family will
then be greeted with a large medium sized
stars and stripes flag, which will be made by our tapestry and
sewing expert, Mary (75). The flag will be stood flapping next to a
fan, and a large sign which says, “Welcome! We, the people of
Alcester love America and its People!”
    We have also
had an idea for a ‘star spangled planner™’, a kind of ‘what to do
in Alcester’ the town in nay Wakespeare country. It will have
coloured stars stuck to it; but maybe not all 26, as they are quite
dear in the stationery shop (75p each!). We could put on four
stars, and write X 9 on it! (We hope they don’t mistake that for
lager, or is that OZ?)”
     
    WELCOMING THE
‘MERRY CANS’ PROPERLY
    “The FAT Bs
decided that speedy civic receptions could hopefully be held in one
of the pubs (please God!); and if the Lord Mayor can be quickly
located in one of them (all we need do is ring the landlords, our
CPW scheme, (Civic Pub Watch), that would be fantastic! And we will
hold it there.
    By the way, one
of our valued members, Gladys (72), has completed an internet
–SRCU- course and qualified to grade one standard