The Crimes and Punishments of Miss Payne Read Free Page A

skeleton?”
    Librarian: “She was writing a book. Asked a rhetorical question. Still waiting for a reply.”
    Anyway, the reason I mention old John's book is that there was a bit in there that went something along the lines of, “Just tell the story as if you were telling it to a friend.” I'm not sure if they were the exact words, but frankly I can't be bothered to look it up. You can, if you're interested. I thought at the time that this was good advice. It sounds easy enough. Now that I've started, though, it seems trickier than I thought. I mean, I don't know you at all. I wouldn't recognize you from a hole in the ground. If I was telling this story to some friends, then they would already know Jaryd Kiffing and they would know me and they would know the school and everything. I'd just be able to get straight into what happened with Miss Payne. But you don't know anything. No offense. And that means I'll have to tell you about things that I wouldn't have to tell a friend.
    Maybe John Marsden is friends with everyone in the world. But I don't think so. I've never had a phone call from him, for example. Unless it was that wrong number a couple of weeks ago.
    I suppose I should tell you something about Jaryd Kiffing.Kiffo. He is the most important player in this story, the chief character, the main
protagonist.
It's a great word,
protagonist.
I love it. There are some words, I've decided, that have to be written in italics. Or in bold, underlined. Protagonist is one.
    Anyway, Kiffo. I could say all that stuff about how he is fifteen years old, of medium height, of limited academic ability and concentration span, with behavioral problems and freckles. The trouble is, that doesn't give you a clue what he is really like. The thing is, Kiffo isn't a character in a book. He's a real person. A friend, God help me. When I think about describing him, I just know that “average height” and “freckles” won't do it.
    You remember that assignment on similes? My teacher hated what I wrote, but I was pretty pleased with it. She thought I was being too smart. How can you be too smart, by the way? Most of the time your teachers are telling you that you're being really dumb. “Stop acting so stupid!” they say. And then when you do something intelligent, they say, “Are you trying to be smart? Don't get smart with me, young lady.” I wish they'd make up their minds.
    I got an afternoon detention for that simile assignment. Now, I don't mind detentions. But I also got the whole “You are wasting a great talent. You should apply yourself, young lady” lecture, which was really boring. I'm good at English, you see. Everyone thinks so. That's one reason me and Kiffo agreed that I should write down the whole business about him and Miss Payne. But my teacher wanted me to be good in
her
way.Do you know what I mean? Take the simile assignment. I liked it. I really did. I thought it was funny, but also accurate. I'd put effort into it. But she wanted something else entirely. She had often told us to be original, but when I did something that was original, she went red in the face and steam hissed from her ears. Did she want me to be original in the same way as everyone else? Doesn't make much sense to me.
    Anyway, I'm starting to wander away from the point. Jaryd Kiffing, fifteen, uglier than a bucketful of butt-holes, flaming red hair, bandy legs, really bad in all lessons, a waster, a hoon, disruptive, childish, violent at times, often cruel, class idiot, proud of his cultivated image of stupidity, part-time criminal. My friend.
    And me? Well, I hope you might be a little curious about me, since I'm the one talking to you. My name is Calma Harrison and you can forget all the jokes about my first name. I've heard every single one. “You need to be calmer, Calma,” or, “You'll suffer from bad karma, Calma,” and all of that. The biggest thing about me is my boobs. I'm fifteen years old and my boobs are really huge. It's not that