The Book of Bloke Read Free

females’ (or ‘Bofemmes’) private parts. It is also an important part of Bogan culture for the fact that, without The Races, Bogans would never learn how to put on a tie. The largest and most spiritually significant race is the Melbourne Cup, to which all Bogans are required to make a pilgrimage at least once in their lives.
    When unable to make the sometimes dangerous journey to the city, the Bogan will typically relax in his natural habitat, the Beer Barn, a large structure to be found in most Bogan areas, which enables up to six thousand Bogans at a time to gather together, drink, and eat parmas. The Beer Barn experience also frequently includes one of the most revered Bogan traditions: the Pokies. This is a quasi-religious ritual whereby the Bogan attempts to ensure good fortune and prosperity for his family by giving away large sums of money without getting anything in return. In this way, the Bogan hopes to demonstrate his generosity of spirit and convince Tab-Ah-Ray, the foremost god of Bogan society, to smile upon him.
    The Bogan tends to be motivated in most things by a combination of simmering resentment and unfocused anger. The targets for this anger vary, and at any given moment an individual Bogan may be willing to hold forth on the sins and failings of, in no particular order:
the government 
immigrants 
students 
the police 
wankers (which may include any or all of the above) 
their real estate agent 
the service at the McDonald’s drive-through 
    Essentially, the Bogan’s raison d’être is to wage never-ending war against the kind of people who know what raison d’être means – the elites, authority figures and up-themselves dickheads who keep the decent sometimes-working Bogan down. And yet, despite this seething inner fury, in most circumstances the Bogan is a jocular and good-natured Bloke, enjoying nothing more than sharing a beer with his mates, followed by some minor punch-ups, and perhaps later on doing donuts on the lawn.
    Besides beer, the Bogan diet is simple, in line with their general approach to life. Centred on communal dining and the barbecue, Bogan cuisine is divided into just two major food groups: the burnt, and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Which food group is eaten at any one time depends on whether the Bogan is eating out or in. At home he will devour large amounts of charcoal-encrusted meat, but when out he will treat himself to a wider variety of flavours, including roast beef, lasagne, and, for the more adventurous Bogan, chicken korma.
    Although the Bogan is fiercely protective of his territory, he can also be a friendly and loyal companion. Still, one should always be aware that Bogans cannot really be tamed; many people have fallen into the trap of thinking of the Bogan as a pet, only to regret their false sense of security when they suffer a glass to the forehead or a severe fireworks injury.
    Bogans take justifiable pride in the role they have played in shaping the history of the nation. Perhaps the first Bogan to make his mark on the national stage was Henry Lawson, whose story ‘The Loaded Dog’ combined for the first time two of the Bogan’s greatest loves: dogs of indeterminate parentage, and explosives. After Lawson came Australia’s first Bogan Prime Minister, Alfred Deakin, who was very keen on stopping the Asians taking our jobs, and was actually prime minister on three separate occasions, between which he was on the Newstart Allowance.
    Bogans have probably made the greatest impact on Australian life in the field of sport, which has seen Bogan culture take a leading role. The prototypical Bogan sportsman was cricketer Ernie Jones, who combined aggression and a frighteningly large moustache with a quintessentially Boganish predilection for nude wrestling. Jones’s spirit was carried on in the cricketing-Bogan-par-excellence, Merv Hughes, who emerged during the Bogan Golden Age of the 1980s to terrorise opponents by brandishing his enormous stomach at