The Bare Bum Gang and the Football Face-Off Read Free Page A

they’ll puke up their Turkey Twizzlers.’
    â€˜We don’t have those any more,’ said Noah.
    â€˜Well, their vegetable pasta bake then.’
    â€˜But that’s only if Jennifer tells them,’ I said.
    â€˜And how are we going to stop her?’ Noah asked reasonably.
    â€˜Yeah,’ said The Moan, ‘she’s already told us she’s going to blab. And I don’t blame her. Why did you have to say all that bare bum stuff?’
    â€˜I just thought she’d say no, and that would be it. But that’s all in the past now. I have an idea.’
    â€˜Oh no,’ said The Moan. ‘Any more of your ideas and the Gang will be finished.’
    I ignored him. ‘I think there’s a way we can stop her from talking.’
    â€˜How?’ asked Noah.
    â€˜We let her into the Gang.’
    â€˜Are you mad?’ said Jamie. ‘She’ll never join us, not now we’re the Bare Bum Gang. Who would? Only some loony who liked showing his bare bum.’
    â€˜Or
her
bare bum,’ added Noah.
    â€˜Don’t call us the Bare Bum Gang!’ I saidsharply. I really didn’t want the name to take hold, even in our heads. ‘I think she’ll jump at the chance. It’s what she’s always wanted.’
    â€˜No way!’ said Phillip, shaking his head. ‘If she’s in, I’m out. It’s bad enough having to see her at home. And anyway, what would she be? It was hard enough thinking up a decent job for me to do.’
    â€˜I thought, perhaps, she could become Gang Doctor,’ I said quietly.
    There was a stunned silence. I sneaked a quick glance at Noah. He looked like he’d been stabbed in the back, which was true, sort of. But being a Great Leader means you have to make tough decisions.
    â€˜B-b-but
I’m
Gang Doctor,’ he said, and I thought he might blub, which would have been embarrassing for all of us.
    â€˜Look,’ I said, in a kind sort of way, ‘there are lots of lady doctors, but there aren’t any lady admirals or generals. We’ll think of a new job for you.’

    â€˜I like being Doctor,’ said Noah, getting angry. No one had ever heard him shout before. ‘And you can’t have a girl as Gang Doctor. Everyone knows that girls can’t wee in a straight line. They wee all over the place. Jennifer would be useless at fixing grass cuts. We’d all die of gangrene before she managed to wee on the right spot.’
    â€˜What’s gangrene?’ asked Jamie.
    â€˜It’s when you get a grass cut, or even some other kind of cut, and first your finger turns green, and then your hand, and then your whole arm. Then, if they don’t amputate your arm, which means chopping it off, the rest of you turns green and you die in terrible pain.’
    There was a hushed silence as the awful reality of having a girl Gang Doctor sank in. This wasn’t going well.
    â€˜But she could carry the dock leaves OK, that’s not so hard,’ I said. I was clutching at straws, or rather dock leaves.
    â€˜That’s only half the job,’ said Noah,growing in confidence. ‘And you have to know where to find them, and even if you do find some, they quite often grow right next to nettles, so you have to be brave to pick them. If you ask me, it would make more sense to have Jennifer as Gang Leader than Gang Doctor.’
    The Moan moaned, and Jamie said: ‘Now you’ve gone too far. We don’t want her in at any price and that’s that.’
    So that was the decision. We’d just wait to see what happened on Monday. We weren’t little kids any more. We’d tough it out, we’d see it through.

Chapter Five
THE HORROR. THE HORROR
    â€˜So, you’ve got a stomach ache
and
a headache?’
    I nodded.
    â€˜And you feel sick?’
    â€˜Mmmmm.’
    â€˜And you think you’ve got a temperature?’
    This time I was too ill to do anything except