The Bad Mother's Handbook Read Free Page A

beginning of some big
changes round here.
    I know things are going to be different from now on.

    *

    I’D MET Billy when he ran across the street to help me
carry a basket of washing. It was blowing about, a great
white sheet on the top, and I knew if it hit the ground and got
dirty my mother would chow. It happened once before when
I was little and Jimmy had hold of one handle and I had the
other. We were staggering down the street to Dr Liptrot’s
with his week’s wash when a big gust of wind took two or three shirts right off and they fell in t’ road. We were two-double
laughing as we picked ’em up, but when we got
home and showed my mother she laid her head on the table
and wept.
    Billy had been courting a girl he’d met in the TB sanatorium,
a bonny woman but it made no difference. We had ten for
the wedding tea, then caught the train to Blackpool. At Chorley
some lads got in and saw all t’ confetti in my hair so they
started singing, ‘We have been married today, We are on our
honeymoon all the way.’ When we got to the bed and breakfast
I gave a fish to the landlady so she could cook it for our supper.
The next evening she said, ‘Mrs Hesketh, are you ready for
your fish now?’ And I never took her on because I wasn’t used
to the name.
    When I got back to the mill I had such a colour all the girls
said I must be pregnant.

    *

    W HERE ’ S C HARLOTTE ? Gone to Wigan for the afternoon,
no doubt to spend money she hasn’t got on crap she
doesn’t need. Nan? Asleep in the chair, legs apart, mouth
slightly open. God, if I ever get like that. And why are there
never any pens in this house? You put them down and they
walk. Useful Drawer; what a flamin’ mess, I don’t know
why we keep half this rubbish. Sandpaper, candles, napkin
rings – like we’re ever going to use those – Stain Devil’s
leaked all over the clothes brush now. Had a big row with
the hoover and a table leg today; broke one of the attachments,
so that’ll be something else to sort out. Bingo! Black
biro, bit fluffy round the nib, still, be all right. Here goes
nothing.

    Love’n’ stuff

    Finding You a Partner for Life’s Adventure

    Outline Questionnaire

    Please try to answer as honestly as possible

    Name Karen Cooper

    Status Very low actually . Divorced.

    Address 21, Brown Moss Road, Bank Top, Nr Wigan,
Lancs WI24 5LS. Moving in with my mother was supposed to
be a fresh start.

    Age 33. Feel about 60 sometimes.

    Children One. 17-year-old madam.

    Occupation Teacher . Part time classroom assistant. At my
old primary school! My life’s just gone round in a big loop.

    Educational Qualifications 10 ‘O’ levels. Yes, 10. I could
have had a degree if I’d wanted. What the hell does it matter
anyway? I’ve been to the University of Life (though I had
originally set my sights on Leeds).

    Salary (approx) Crap. Funded this caper out of Nan’s present
(I just withdraw it from her savings account, Merry Xmas
Happy Birthday etc, even buy my own damn card).

    Do you consider yourself to be

working class
middle class
upper class
not sure

    Political Persuasion If push came to shove I suppose I’d say
Conservative. I mean, they’re going to be in forever, aren’t
they? Anyway, if it wasn’t for Maggie Thatcher we couldn’t
have bought this house (although I can’t say I rate John Major
much). Truth is, nothing ever changes for people like us,
whoever’s swanning about in Number 10.

    Religion None. Mum’ll put in a good word for us all when
she gets to heaven.

    Physical appearance

    Height 5’9”. That’s going to put a lot of men off for a start.

    Weight/dress size 12/14. Depends how bloody Nan’s being.
Some days I can eat a whole packet of gypsy creams at one
sitting.

    Hair colour Brown. Currently. I’m always looking for the
perfect hairstyle, the one that’ll solve my life for me. Growing
out a perm in the meantime.

    Eyes Sort of grey. Charlotte’s got