The Arrangement 9 Read Free Page A

the corners of my mind and fuck up my life. What if I proposed? What if he said yes? What if we were happy and had two fat babies, a dog, and a little house with a white picket fence? What if I got everything I ever wanted? What if I wasn’t a coward lying in bed next to a guy that I’m attracted to, but not in love with? Where would I be?
    The reality of that answer makes me close my eyes and roll onto my back. Draping my arm over my face, I breathe in and out. If I wasn’t with Marty right now, I’d be with a stranger. I’d be a hollow shell of a woman, selling my body so I don’t have to eat freeze-dried noodles every night. It’s not that simple, but in some ways it is. Grabbing a pillow, I pull it over my face and hold it there so I’m in a vice of fluffiness.
    “Do you always try to suffocate yourself while you sleep?”
    I toss the pillow on the floor and turn my head toward him. My eyes aren’t filled with sleep like his. They’re strained, tense, and tired. Words are bursting inside my mind and I haven’t said a single thought out loud for hours. I have a plan. Lie to him, trick Black into thinking we did it, and hope I don’t get my ass kicked when she finds out I’m lying.
    Sighing, I fiddle with the black bead on my bracelet. “Nah, normally I try to jump out the window, but these are bolted shut.” He gives me a concerned look. “Kidding, Marty. I wouldn’t be wrapped up in this crap with Black if I didn’t want to survive.”
    “So, you’re going to keep doing that?” He’s on his side looking at me.
    My eyes are downturned as my fingers play with the blankets. “I don’t know… It pays well enough. Hey, I have a rude question for you—how’d you afford all this? I mean, Black isn’t cheap, and requesting a specific girl jacks up the price.”
    He gives me a crooked smile. “I have some money—correction, I had some money, and credit cards. I used the rest of my student loans for the semester too. I’m going to write this off as an education expense and take a tax deduction.”
    I chuckle a little. “An educational experience?”
    “Sure, why not. I think I learned more about human nature tonight than I did the entire time I’ve been in college.”
    “And what’s that?”
    “Don’t buy friends that are hookers—they don’t like it.”
    I smack him with my other pillow, before tucking it back under my head. “Hooking and friendship doesn’t mix.”
    “Hooking and pancakes don’t mix either. I’m never going to have the same thoughts about iHOP ever again, thanks to Mel.”
    That gets another light laugh, and my tired brain launches words out of my mouth. Before I have a second to think, I blurt it out. Maybe I suck, or maybe I don’t—I don’t know anymore. I just want to do something right and not make things messier, but I have a feeling that I should shut my mouth. Nothing good ever comes after 2am, and it’s nearly an hour and a half later. “I don’t want to lie anymore—not to you—and not to me. The truth is, I think you’re great, but my brain didn’t realize how great because you were under the gay guise—the mask of Gay-o.”
    “Was that a Zorro reference?”
    “I don’t know what it was, but the truth is I hate how messed up things are between us. I hate that I lost you. I hate that I like you. I hate that you’re not who I thought you were, because there’s some affection between us. I know it’s there…” Marty’s lips get this soft dreamy smile, which makes me feel horrible. Oh God, I shouldn’t have said anything. Plowing through, I finish, “But—”
    The grin vanishes. “Ah, the but…”
    “But it’s overshadowed by someone else. Marty, I—”
    “You don’t need to say more. I get it.” He rolls onto his back and takes a deep breath, like I just kicked him in the ‘nads.
    I feel horrible, not better. Confession is good for the soul, my ass. “What would you have me do? Should we fake date? Should you be my rebound guy?