fourteen. I had always wanted to go on a cruise when I was a kid. It was one of those things my mom would dangle over me when I didnât want to do another take. Then they canceled the show and we went and it was a nightmare. Every time we tried to go to the pool, drunk frat boys would chant âTom-Tom, Tom-Tom, Tom-Tom!â I spent most of that week in my room playing Xbox.
This is different.
The ship is sweet. White glove. Done right.
Most of the passengers are wealthy people desperate for thinness. Iâd say a quarter of the passengers are minor celebrities and attractive âset dressingâ party people. Thereâs no one really A level. Luka Harris and Sabbi Ribiero, I guess. And that grub guy from Survivor. Iâm sure all three of themâpossibly all the celebritiesâare getting paid to be here.
There is more than a fair share of pretty girls. We havenât even set sail yet and a bunch of them have busted out bikinis. I donât know, maybe they had them on under their clothes.
Itâs been suggested to me that I use this cruise as a way to remake my image when it comes to girls.
The way Molly, my publicist, put it was that people saw me as a tender heart, but now it was time for me to show them all how cocky and wild I could be.
Tamara, my producer, was less politic. âThe thing with Bonnie made you look like a loser. You gotta party on this ship. Flirt. Grab ass. Get laid.â
Cubby elbows me.
âHey, what are the chances this shit works? The Solu?â Cubby asks, surveying the crowd. Heâs got a sizable belly. Heâs probably thinking about becoming a customer. âIâll tell you what Iâm going to do,â he tells me. âIâm going to wait a year and then try it. By then weâll know if it works.â
âIf it does, I bet theyâll give the inventor a medal,â I say.
âA Nobel Peace Prize,â he adds.
âClaire, quit dawdling!â says a bossy lady wearing tons of jewelry and a large, floppy hat. Sheâs dragging along a girl whose on the obese side of obese. The poor girl is wearing a giant nautical striped outfit and looks profoundly miserable.
I tap Cubby on the shoulder, nod toward the girl.
He doesnât quite get my meaning. I guess he thinks Iâm telling him to check her out because sheâs fat.
âItâs a shame,â Cubby says, not meeting my eye. He thinks Iâm about to say something mean about her.
âNo, no,â I say. âThatâs not it. Tape me.â
Hereâs why I want to tape her: We should interview the people who Solu might actually, really help , not just pretty girls and petty celebrities.
âExcuse me, miss,â I say. I reach out and tap her on the shoulder. âIâd love to hear your thoughts about the cruise.â
The girlâs face is polite at first, then goes slack, as she realizes that itâs me doing the asking, then she turns beet red.
Cubby has the camera up and is taping.
âAre you excited about the cruise?â I ask her.
Her mother doubles back for her.
âClaire, come on!â she says. Then she sees me and the crew, taping. Her mouth drops, too. âOh.â
âHow would you describe the boat?â I ask Claire.
Sheâs looking at me, then back to her mom, then to me again. Iâd put her at around twelve maybe. Sheâs definitely the youngest passenger Iâve seen so far.
Sheâs quiet for so long I start to regret this. Thereâs an expression on her face that says she thinks Iâm screwing with her.
âI really do want to know,â I tell her. I give her a wink, smiling, encouraging.
âI guess ⦠itâs amazing!â she says, finally. âAll the famous people and the shipâs really nice.â
âDo you think Solu is going to deliver on its promises?â I ask.
âGod, I hope so,â she says. And itâs funny, the way she
Stephen Goldin, Ivan Goldman