Stoner & Spaz Read Free Page B

tits aren’t my best feature, anyway, but you could have at least looked at them.”
    “We were right in the middle of the Pit.”
    “So?”
    “We’d get in trouble.”
    “So?
    “They’d probably call our folks, and we’d at least get detention.”
    “I’m always in detention.”
    “I’ve never been.”
    “What? You’re not just crippled, my friend. You’re dead.” Colleen’s grin fades as she slumps against the nearest wall. Her face goes from technicolor to black-and-white.
    “Are you okay?”
    “I just threw up. Like, a minute ago.”
    “You throw up a lot.”
    “I’m practicing for the Olympics.” She takes hold of my wrist like somebody grabbing the safety bar at Space Mountain. “Talk to me, okay?”
    “What about?”
    “Anything. This is not from bad acid, so spare me the big, warm dog routine. Just distract me.”
    I put my hand over hers, just casually, though. Like I do that sort of thing all the time. “Well, last night I watched this cool little sci-fi flick where some kid’s totally fine folks fall down into this sand pit where the aliens landed; next thing you know they’re not so fine. It’s a fifties movie where everybody’s scared of radioactivity and flying saucers. So there’s a lot of sameness going around. The first suburbs and all that. Thousands of guys in gray flannel suits.”
    She has a can of 7UP in her purse, and she takes a swallow. “Is that all you do — squat in front of the TV?”
    “Please, my life is rich and full: I also go to the movies and do my homework.”
    “Why do homework? I get C’s for just showing up and not shooting anybody.”
    “Grandma wants me to go to a good school.”
    “Oh, Grandma. What big goals you have.”
    When Colleen rubs her stomach and kind of groans, I point to the green can in her hand and ask, “Want me to get you another one of those? I will if you want me to.”
    She narrows her gray eyes. “Ed would kill you if he caught you coming on to me.”
    “I would be so stoked if Ed thought that. I never came on to anybody in my life.”
    “Oh, bullshit. Isn’t there, like, some spaz dating club or something? How about that blind chick, Doris? You guys would be perfect. She can’t see you limp, and you could feel her up whenever you wanted.”
    “I think you’re serious. Do you know who Doris is hot for? Ed!”
    “My Ed?”
    “Your Ed. Nobody who’s disabled wants to go out with anybody else who’s disabled.”
    “Just chill for a minute, okay? I gotta pee.” She gets a good strong grip on my right arm and pushes off, tottering toward the bathroom.
    I love it that Colleen touches me! And if that isn’t enough, I also get to chill. I’ve never done that. At least no girl ever asked me to. So I lean against the wall, sort of like the other guys. If anybody wants to know what I’m doing I can say, ‘I’m chilling. What’s it to you?’”
    FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS I don’t see Colleen. Which disappoints me. Which reminds me of why I am what I am: a bit player in the movie of life. Listed at the tag end of the credits: Crippled Kid. Before Thug #1 but after Handsome Man in Copy Shop.
    Then my phone rings and I lunge for it. It has to be her. Nobody calls me. I mean that. Nobody. My answering machine probably has cobwebs in it.
    Without saying hello or anything, she asks, “I was talking to some kids at school about you. What happened to your mom?”
    I fall back on the bed, relieved and excited. “Nobody knows. She just split.” I roll onto my side. “Turn on AMC. Check out how John Ford shoots this scene so it looks like John Wayne is about a hundred feet tall.”
    As I watch, I hear the raspy sound of a Bic lighter, then her quick intake of breath. “I thought John Wayne actually
was
a hundred feet tall.”
    “
The Searchers
is still really popular. Do you know the story? Ethan totally devotes his life to finding this niece of his that the Comanches kidnapped. I guess most people like the idea of somebody