Smokin' Seventeen Read Free Page B

“He’s got a condition.”
    I nibbled on a piece of coffee cake. “What kind of condition? A medical condition?”
    “Yeah, I guess it could be considered medical. He’s a vampire. If he goes out in the sun it could kill him. He couldburn right up. Remember when Dorothy threw water on the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz , and the witch shriveled up? It’s sort of like that.”
    Lula almost spit out her coffee. “Get outta here! Are you shitting me?”
    “That’s why he never married,” Grandma said. “Soon as a woman saw his fangs she wouldn’t have anymore to do with him.”
    “So when the cops said he was a biter they meant he was a biter ,” Lula said.
    Grandma topped off her coffee. “Yep. He’ll suck the blood right out of you. Every last drop.”
    “That’s ridiculous,” my mother said. “He’s not a vampire. He’s a man with a dental problem and a personality disorder.”
    “I guess that’s one of them politically correct points of view,” Lula said. “I don’t mind presenting things that way so long as I don’t get holes in my neck while I’m tryin’ not to offend some mother-suckin’ vampire. ’Scuse my French. And this is real good coffee cake. Is this Entenmann’s?”
    “I didn’t see any fangs when he answered the door,” I told Grandma.
    “Well, it’s daytime so maybe he was fixing to go to sleep, and he had his dentures in a cup,” Grandma said. “I don’t wear my dentures when I sleep.”
    Lula leaned back in her chair. “Hold the phone. This guy has fake fangs?”
    “They used to be real,” Grandma said, “but a couple yearsago Joe’s granny, Bella, gave Ziggy the eye, and all his teeth fell out. So Ziggy went to Horace Worly—a dentist on Hamilton Avenue just down from the hospital. Anyways, Horace made Ziggy some new choppers that looked just like his old ones.”
    I looked over at my mother. “Is that true?”
    My mother sighed and continued to iron.
    “I heard they found Lou Dugan,” Grandma said. “Who would have thought he’d be planted right there on Hamilton Avenue.”
    “We saw him,” Lula said. “It was like he was trying to climb out of his grave with his hand sticking up outta the dirt.”
    Grandma sucked in air. “You saw him? What did he look like?”
    “He was all wormy and raggety.”
    “They’re gonna have to work like the devil to make him look like anything for the viewing,” Grandma said.
    “Yeah.” Lula added cream to her coffee. “We might never even have known it was him except for his ring.”
    Grandma leaned forward. “He was wearing his ring? That ring was worth money. What numbskull would bury Lou Dugan with his ring still on?”
    Lula cut a second piece of coffee cake. “That’s what I said. It would have to be someone in a panic. Some amateur.”
    Or someone sending a message, I thought. It looked to me like the grave had been fairly shallow. Maybe Lou Dugan was supposed to be discovered.
    “It sure is cozy here in the kitchen,” Lula said. “I bet if I stayed here long enough I could forget all about Lou Dugan and his wormy hand.”
    My parents’ house is small and stuffed with comfortable, slightly worn furniture. The windows are draped in white sheers. The polished mahogany end tables hold lamps and candy dishes. An orange, brown, and cream hand-crocheted afghan is precisely folded and arranged over the back of the champagne-colored couch. My father’s favorite chair has maroon and gold stripes and an impression of his ass permanently imprinted in the seat cushion. The couch and the chair face a newly purchased flat-screen television, and the television fits into a newly purchased mahogany entertainment center. Coasters and magazines are neatly arranged on the narrow coffee table. A laundry basket filled with toys has been placed against the wall in the living room. The toys belong to my sister’s kids.
    The living room leads into the dining room. The dining room table seats six, but can be enlarged to