Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda Read Free Page B

so Martin Addison won’t tell the whole school I’m gay. Did I mention I’m gay?
    I mean, how do people even begin with this stuff?
    Maybe it would be different if we lived in New York, butI don’t know how to be gay in Georgia. We’re right outside Atlanta, so I know it could be worse. But Shady Creek isn’t exactly a progressive paradise. At school, there are one or two guys who are out, and people definitely give them crap. Not like violent crap. But the word “fag” isn’t exactly uncommon. And I guess there are a few lesbian and bisexual girls, but I think it’s different for girls. Maybe it’s easier. If there’s one thing the Tumblr has taught me, it’s that a lot of guys consider it hot when a girl is a lesbian.
    Though, I guess it happens in reverse. There are girls like Leah, who do these yaoi pencil sketches and post them to websites.
    Which I guess is cool with me. Leah’s drawings are actually kind of awesome.
    And Leah’s also into slash fanfiction, which got me curious enough to poke around the internet and find some last summer. I couldn’t believe how much there was to choose from: Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy hooking up in thousands of ways in every broom closet at Hogwarts. I found the ones with decent grammar and stayed up reading all night. It was a weird couple of weeks. That was the summer I taught myself how to do laundry. There are some socks that shouldn’t be washed by your mom.
    After dinner, Nora sets up Skype on the desktop computer in the living room. In the camera window, Alice looks a little disheveled, but it’s probably the hair—wood-blond andrumpled. All three of us have ridiculous hair. In the background, Alice’s bed is unmade and covered with pillows, and someone’s purchased a round, shaggy carpet to cover the few feet of floor space. It’s still strange to imagine Alice sharing a dorm room with a random girl from Minneapolis. Like, who would have ever guessed I’d see anything sports-related in Alice’s room? Minnesota Twins, indeed.
    â€œOkay, you’re pixelated. I’m going to—no wait, you’re good. Oh my God, Dad, is that a rose?”
    Our dad is holding a red rose and cackling into the webcam. I’m not even kidding. My family is all freaking business when it comes to The Bachelorette .
    â€œSimon, do your Chris Harrison imitation.”
    Fact: my Harrison imitation is utter and complete genius. At least, it is under normal circumstances. But I’m not at the top of my game today.
    I’m just so preoccupied. And it’s not just Martin saving the emails. It’s the emails themselves. I’ve been feeling a little strange about the girlfriend thing ever since Blue asked about it. I wonder if he thinks I’m really fake. I get the impression that once he realized he was gay, he didn’t date girls, and it was as simple as that.
    â€œSo Michael D. claims to have used the fantasy suite for talking,” Alice says. “Do we believe that?”
    â€œNot for a minute, kid,” Dad replies.
    â€œThey always say that,” says Nora. She cocks her head, andI just now notice that her ear has five piercings, all the way up and around.
    â€œRight?” says Alice. “Bub, are you going to weigh in?”
    â€œNora, when did you do that?” I touch my earlobe.
    She kind of blushes. “Last weekend?”
    â€œLet me see,” Alice demands. Nora turns her ear toward the webcam. “Whoa.”
    â€œI mean, why?” I ask.
    â€œBecause I wanted to.”
    â€œBut, like, why so many?”
    â€œCan we talk about the fantasy suite now?” she says. Nora gets squirmy when the focus is on her.
    â€œI mean, it’s the fantasy suite,” I say. “They totally did it. I’m pretty sure the fantasy doesn’t involve talking.”
    â€œBut that doesn’t necessarily mean