Seeds of Hate Read Free

give.
    Izzy crossed his arms and we both sat in silence, staring into the noise. He shifted in his seat.
    "I know you think you're alone still," he said. "That no one understands you. That no one wants you."
    I pulled my hand away from my face, my mouth falling open at his words. "That's not true—"
    "You don't have to deny it," he said, cutting me off. "I get it. I think I'd feel the same way if I was in your position. But you're wrong. I know nothing I can say or do will prove it, but it's true."
    He stared ahead, the lines in his forehead creasing and then relaxing. "I don't have any other friends, as pathetic as that may sound. Regardless, if I stayed because of sophomore year or in spite of it, the point is I stayed. It was my choice. I want to be here."
    I hadn't expected the first day of school to be so heavy.
    "You know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him," I pleaded, as I looked back across the courtyard for Nathan. He was sitting at one of the central tables, surrounded by friends and enemies—a pretty girl on his right and a wrestling teammate on his left.
    "I do. I mean I hate him as much as you do. Maybe even more. I just don't show it," he said.
    "And I show mine?" The words flew from my mouth as my quiet anger awakened.
    "You don't have to get defensive. I'm not the one to blame." Izzy crossed his arms and sulked against the wall.
    "No one’s to blame. No one but me," I replied as I closed my eyes.
    Izzy scoffed, he always scoffed at my pessimism. "Just because it was by your hand doesn't mean it was your fault."
    I opened my eyes. "No one is responsible for the work of their own hands, but them," I replied.
    Izzy grunted. "God, we sound old. I even feel old. I mean look, I have gray hairs!" He pushed his head in front of mine and ran his fingers through his curly locks as he continued to mumble. "I still don't think he's blameless. And you shouldn't either."
    I pulled my notebook back onto my lap and once more, began to highlight. "Everyone deals with the consequences of their actions. Whether we see it or not. And as far as your gray hairs go, I blame your parents."
    "I doubt Nathan does," said Izzy. "He gets away with everything. Always has, always will. And I think you're right. I blame my parents too." He turned to me and smiled. It was forced, but honest.
    "The thing with Nathan is that he wasn't taught any better. I'm not excusing his actions, but if you knew his parents—his mother, his father. It'd be easier to see it. You might feel for him."
    Izzy rolled his eyes and grabbed a bag of sunflower seeds, chewing them, and then spitting the seeds out of his mouth and onto the ground.
    "Might," I replied.
    He stared at me with wide-eyes. "He really messed you up, Javi."
    "No. I messed up," I closed my notebook, "by caring too much."
    "Caring too much?" asked Izzy.
    "About him," I replied.
    "Do you still care?"
    "Yes, but only in the means of attaching an importance to him."
    "An importance to Nathan?"
    "Yes," I replied.
    "I don't understand," said Izzy.
    "He's important because I hate him." My knuckles hardened at my words. It was harsh, but it was truth. I watched Nathan and kept an eye on him in order to protect myself. I didn't strike back in the beginning, but if given the opportunity, I'd strike back now. I could only use his parents as a crutch for so long. The decisions he made now were his own.
    "You staying or going?" Izzy asked as he stood up and brushed his jeans off. The bell followed as the rest of the campus moved in unison.
    I looked up at Izzy and then scanned my surroundings. "Staying," I replied.
    He turned around and walked away without another word and I sat—alone. If Izzy wasn't around, I was always alone.
    Alone. Alone. Alone.

    ***

    My last period was quiet. The open hallways of our campus were empty, but the classrooms were full. So I roamed. There wasn't anything important going on in Honor's Spanish anyway. Administration just wanted to contain me.