Salmonella Men on Planet Porno (Vintage Contemporaries) Read Free Page A

couldn’t get out of bed to have a beer now that I was in the middle of it. I started to get on with the action.
    Then the doorbell rang.
    The sound of it woke me up.
    I was in bed, lying on top of my wife and making love to her.
    “What? You??” I groaned. “The last person I wanted to be doing it with!!”
    My wife had woken up at the same time. “The feeling’s mutual!” she replied with immense displeasure.
    The doorbell rang again. It was already morning. Sunlight flooded in through a gap in the curtains, illuminating the Dabba Dabba Tree at the foot of our bed. I’m self-employed, so I don’t have to get up early.
    “Who could that be? At this time of the morning?”
    “Go and find out,” said my wife.
    “You go!”
    “I haven’t got anything on.”
    “Nor have I!”
    “You can get dressed more quickly.”
    I got up, slipped on my shirt and trousers and went to open the front door.
    Standing there in the porch was our neighbour, Mr Miyamoto.
    “Mr Miyamoto!…” I was going to mention our meeting at the hotel, but I managed to stop myself in time. That was a dream, after all. “What is it? At this time of the morning?”
    “Yes, I’m sorry to bother you so early. It’s just that I’ve got this ‘Dabba Dabba Tree,’ you see,” he said. “It’s a kind of bonsai tree, and if you put it in your bedroom at night—”
    “Yes, yes, yes,” I interrupted. “I know, I’ve got one myself.”
    “Then you’ll know what I mean. As it happens, I’m in the middle of a dream right now. Me talking to you here is actually part of my dream. Now, I’ve been quite keen on your wife for some time, you see. And I’ve always wanted to, you know,
have
her, if ever I had the chance. Well, thanks to my Dabba Dabba Tree, I can now fulfil my wish, even if it is only a dream. And that’s why I’ve come over. So without further ado, is your wife at home?”
    “She’s still in bed, actually.”
    “So much the better!” he said, and tried to force his way in.
    I barred his path in utter incredulity. “Now just you wait a minute! This may be a dream for you, but for me it’s reality. I’m not going to let you barge in here and sully my wife’s honour just to fulfil your dream!”
    “But I really want to make love to her! Otherwise what’s the point of having an erotic dream?”
    As we stood there arguing, Miyamoto’s wife came running up.
    “Oh dear! I really am sorry for my husband’s selfishness. I said you shouldn’t go, didn’t I?! Look how much trouble you’re causing our neighbour!”
    “I know what,” Miyamoto said, turning to me. “You can have sex with my wife. Now that’s got to be fair, hasn’t it?”
    “Oh!” gasped his wife. Her face immediately turned a shade of crimson. She looked up at me with fluttering eyes and started to contort her body suggestively. “I’m sure he wouldn’t be interested in an ordinary woman like me.”
    I found it hard to agree, and looked her over. She was a slim, good-looking woman with an oval face and large eyes. Yes, now that I saw her in this light, she was actually quite attractive. I gulped.
    “No, no, not at all,” I eventually replied. “Quite the opposite, in fact. That is, if
you
don’t mind…”
    She wriggled in embarrassment. “Well! I never dreamt this would happen. I mean, I don’t mind at all, if
you
don’t mind…”
    “Really? Well, in-in-in that case… um…” I turned to Miyamoto, to make sure it was all right by him. But he’d already slipped into the bedroom. “Right, OK, so let’s get… um…”
    “Right, yes, let’s, shall we? Haha! Who would have thought it? Ho ho ho!” Mrs Miyamoto started to take off her blue-and-white striped dress, revealing a dark blue bra and panties underneath.
    I ripped off my shirt and trousers, put my arm around her shoulders and led her into the bedroom. Her whole body was quivering with excitement. Her husband and my wife were already at it on the double bed.
    “Er, excuse me,