Rebecca's Lost Journals, Volume 4: My Master Read Free Page A

enjoy, like food and conversation about the art we both love, always makes me feel more like we are a real couple. And yes, Master/sub is a real couple for some, a deeply committed and intimate relationship. For us, I felt like it was his wall to keep us from being more. Still, I broke through that at times, on nights like these, when we enjoyed meals. Not that all of our tastes are quite the same in food, but I’ve done my fair share of luring him to Oreo and French fry land, as much as he’s lured me to finer dining.
    The waiter took away our plates. “Your normal desserts?”
    “Two crème brûlées,” Master confirmed. “A caramel macchiato for the lady and plain coffee for me.”
    The waiter bowed his head and departed, pulling the private door closed behind him. I sighed with satisfaction. These moments when we simply relaxed, when we weren’t on the edge of something intense, were too few and too far between.
    “You seem content,” he said, studying me.
    “I enjoy this place.”
    His eyes had warmed. “I’m glad you do.” He had reached inside his jacket and pulled out several folded sheets of paper. “It’s time to renew our contract. I thought we’d go over the details.”
    Renewing our contract is a topic of mixed emotions for me. I’d hoped we’d be more than this by now, and the confirmation that we are not tightened my belly. “You want changes?”
    “I want you to agree we stop hiding in a closet.”
    “No. I can’t do that. That would affect my career.”
    He studied me a long moment. “What if I said I want you to move in with me?”
    Hope filled me. “Move in with you?”
    His voice lowered. “You’re the only sub I’ve ever asked to do this.”
    The only sub—I’m still in that box. So living with him was just another way of controlling me. In fact, it was his way of controlling me around the clock, instead of only during the weekends that our last contract had dictated I be his.
    “I’ll pay your rent for the contract term,” he added. “Then you have the security of knowing that if we don’t renew again, you have a place to go.”
    “No,” I said immediately and stood up. It was clear I was never going to be to him what he was to me, and I just wanted to go home.
    He was on his feet in an instant, pulling me close. “Why?” The waiter came in and my Master gave him a sharp look that sent him into retreat. Once the door shut, he stared down at me. “Why, Rebecca?”
    Why didn’t matter. It changed nothing.
    “Please take me home, and consider anything you start tonight, or for the next two weeks, to come with the word ‘red’ on repeat.” I’d never used my safe word before but I was using it then. I didn’t want to be under his control. Not then, and maybe not ever again.
    “Rebecca.” He leaned in to kiss me.
    “Red,” I hissed. He hesitated and I added, “You said you would stop whatever you were doing if I used it.”
    His jaw flexed and flexed again, but he pulled back. “I’ll take you home.”
    “Thank you,” I whispered.
    The trip to my apartment was short but felt eternal, the silence unbearably thick. He parked in the lot behind my building and killed the engine. We sat there in the darkness. “Why?” he asked again.
    Was that all he could do? Ask me why? I gave him so much of me, and he couldn’t even tell me how he felt about my refusal?
    I reached for the door. He caught my arm. I cut him a hard look and said, “Re—”
    He cut me off with his mouth, shoving his fingers into my hair and slanting his mouth over mine, kissing me, claiming me in a way he’d never done before.
    I tried to resist him, but I tasted more than need in him. I tasted his fear of losing me.
    I barely remember how, but suddenly his seatback was down and I was on top of him, forgetting that I was in my apartment parking lot. In seconds he was inside me and I was riding him, grinding my hips against his, reveling in him filling me, touching me. In the way he