Queen of Babble Gets Hitched Read Free Page B

I’m not going to get to keep the ring.
    “What? Yeah, I’m back. I’m at Lizzie’s. I got back this morning.”
    What is Chaz doing? He knows Luke is back. I told him Luke’s back. Oh God. Just do it already, so we can get this over with.
    “Okay. So you’re sitting down? In a cab? Where are you going in a cab on New Year’s morning? You were? You did? Who was she?”
    I grab the edge of the sink. This is it. I’m going to hurl.
    “What do you mean, you’re not going to tell me?” Luke laughs. “Fine, you dog, you. All right. Well, here’s my news: I asked Lizzie to marry me. And she said yes. And I want you to be my best man at the wedding.”
    I close my eyes. This is the part where Chaz tells Luke that he can’t be his best man because he thinks he’s making the worst mistake of his entire life.
    And that, oh yeah, by the way, last night his tongue was down my throat.
    “Thanks!” Luke is saying into the phone in a cheerful voice. An entirely too cheerful voice for him to be responding to the news that last night his best friend and fiancée were making out in the back of a cab. “Yeah, I do too. What? Lizzie? Sure, you can talk to Lizzie. Hold on.”
    I turn around from the sink just in time to see Luke cross the kitchen to hand the phone to me.
    “He wants to talk to you,” he says. Luke is beaming. “I think he wants to extend his congratulations personally.”
    I take the phone, feeling sicker to my stomach than ever. “Hello?”
    “Hi, Lizzie.” Chaz’s deep voice rasps in my ear. “You were hoping I’d spill the truth to Luke about our illicit affair and he’d call the whole thing off, weren’t you? No such luck, I’m afraid. You got yourself into this mess, and you’re going to have to get yourself out of it. If you think I’m going to come sweeping in like some kind of prince on a milk-white charger to save your pretty little buns on this one, you’re high.”
    I let out a totally fake laugh. “Thank you!” I cry. “That is so nice of you to say!” Luke continues to beam at me from across the kitchen.
    “Yeah,” Chaz says. “You know, when you packed up all your stuff and left his ass high and dry, I thought, finally. A woman with some moral fiber. Little did I know that all he’d need to win you back was a big diamond ring and a few crocodile tears. I really expected bigger things from you, Lizzie. Tell me something. Are you going to wait until the invitations have actually gone out before you admit to yourself that Luke is the last guy you ought to be spending the rest of your life with? Or are you going to do the right thing and call it off now?”
    “Great, Chaz,” I say, with another fake laugh. “It was nice talking to you too.”
    “This is like watching a lamb being led to slaughter,” Chaz mutters. “Is getting married really that important to you? It’s just a goddamned piece of paper.”
    “Thanks, Chaz,” I say. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up the fake laughing. Because I’m ready to start shedding real tears. “Thanks so much.”
    “Look, I… Just put him back on.”
    I hold the phone out to Luke. “He wants to talk to you,” I say.
    Luke takes the phone from me. “Hey, man. Yeah? Uh-huh.”
    I drift away, into the bedroom, unzipping my dress as I go. I can’t believe this… any of this. I have what I wanted… what it seems like I always wanted: The man of my dreams has proposed to me. I’m going to be married.
    I should be happy.
    Strike that. I am happy. I am.
    Maybe it just hasn’t sunk in yet.
    “What’s going on?”
    I look over to see Luke standing in the doorway, his cell phone closed in his hand.
    “What are you doing?” Luke wants to know. His gaze falls on my dress, lying in a pink puddle on the floor. “I thought we were going to call people and tell them we’re engaged.”
    “I changed my mind,” I say, flipping the bedclothes back to show him what I have on underneath them. Which is nothing. “I think I