Pirates of Underwhere Read Free Page A

cartoon channel.
    â€œGive it over, dwarf!” I said.
    â€œNever, dweeb!”
    I reached for the remote control. He held me off with one hand and kept the remote behind him.
    â€œWart!”
    â€œDorkus maximus!”
    Caitlyn’s voice cut through the shouting. “Shut it, blivets! I’m trying to do my political science project, and all I hear is your ‘mamma gamma blamma.’ You just volunteered for deep cleaning the whole house— both of you.”
    â€œBut he—,” I began.
    Our cousin loomed in the doorway, hands on hips. “You can start tomorrow by vacuuming and shampooing the carpet.”
    I glared at Zeke.
    He turned so Caitlyn couldn’t see and stuck his tongue out at me.
    Honestly.
    I blew out a sigh. It was going to be a long weekend.
    Â 
    By Sunday night, my whole body reeked of ammonia and lemon, even my hair. Yuck. My fingers were red and raw, like grated hot dogs.
    Zeke and I were finishing up the living room. We had hardly spoken all weekend—a big relief.
    While he dusted a bowl of glass fruit, I tidied up the books and magazines. And that’s when I found The Book of Booty , the collection of mystical predictions we had brought back from Underwhere.
    I flipped through it. The faint stink of rotten eggs rose from its pages.
    â€œNo fair reading when I’m doing all the work,” said Zeke. He tossed a glass apple in the air.
    â€œCareful!” I said. I swear Zeke was absent the day they handed out brains.
    â€œYeah, yeah.”
    I held up the book. “I was just wondering about Dr. Prufrock’s brush, what it can…hey, here it is.” I noticed the drawing of a fancy toilet brush with golden bristles.
    Zeke joined me. “What’s it say?”
    I read, “‘…And yea, though the Booty be fruity, the Lost Prince shall shake it.’”
    Zeke frowned. “What’s a fruity booty?”
    â€œNever mind,” I said. “I’ll skip ahead…ah, here we go: ‘The Brush of Wisdom shows the truth/though it be hidden, rough, or smooth.’”
    â€œ Truth and smooth don’t rhyme,” said Zeke.
    â€œYeah, but Zeke and freak do,” I said. “‘If you would know a thing completely/brush it thrice and brush it sweetly. Lies cannot withstand the push/not when it comes from Wisdom’s Brush.’”
    â€œAnd push and brush don’t rhyme either,” said Zeke, flipping the page. “Whoever wrote this is aworse rapper than Beefy D.”
    I put the book down. “Don’t you get it? This brush is powerful magic. With it, you can learn the true nature of anything.”
    â€œHuh,” said Zeke.
    â€œAnd you know where this magical brush is right now?”
    â€œIn Meathead’s mouth,” said Zeke.
    â€œSomehow,” I said, “that doesn’t seem like a good thing.”

CHAPTER 5
The Guy with the Golden Touch
    I don’t know why Zeke attracts bullies. Maybe it’s because he’s shorter than average. Or maybe it’s because of that look in his eyes.
    (Oh, wait—I know. It’s because he’s thoroughly and completely obnoxious.)
    Whatever the reason, they found him at recess.
    I was chatting with my friend Heather on the swings. Zeke and Hector were tossing a football nearby. Or to be more accurate, they were chasing it. My brother’s not exactly a football hero.
    Then trouble showed up.
    Trouble in the shape of Melvin Prang and his sidekick Darryl.
    â€œHey, Darryl,” said Melvin, acting all puzzled. “I didn’t know they had a new football league at school.”
    â€œWhat league is that?” said Darryl.
    â€œThe inky-dinky league!” Melvin shoved Zeke and snatched the football.
    Zeke’s face fell. “Come on, Melvin,” he said. “Give it back.”
    The bully tossed it to Darryl. “ I don’t have it.”
    Zeke slouched over to the sidekick.