Pirates of Underwhere Read Free

thought, I picked a fine day to wear a skirt .
    Then I clapped my hands to my thighs, and down I went after him.

CHAPTER 4
Mighty Mouth
    Probability problem : If a live-in babysitter is in a bad mood 70 percent of the time, a blah mood 20 percent, a good mood 10 percent, and a talkative mood all the time, what is the chance that two kids who miss dinner will get royally chewed out?
    If they live in our house, 100 percent.
    As I predicted, we got home late. And as I predicted, cousin Caitlyn, who babysits while our parents are off on digs, was upset.
    Sometimes I get tired of being right.
    â€œI’m gonna so totally kill you little blivets!”Caitlyn yelled as we stepped through the door. “In fact, after I kill you, I’m gonna, like, bring you back to life as zombies, so I can have the pleasure of killing you again! Where were you smigmotes, anyway? Having your brains drained?”
    Caitlyn usually has a lot to say.
    â€œWe—,” I began.
    â€œIt’s six o’clock,” she interrupted. “ Six! And what time did I say to be home by?” She pointed her cell phone at us like a sword.
    â€œUm, five?” said Zeke.
    Then our cousin noticed our appearance for the first time. “And what’s with the monzo-scrunge look? Did you, like, crawl home through the sewers?”
    â€œActually,” I said, “we—”
    â€œI made dinner for you little zimwats, and now it’s cold.” Caitlyn paced up and down the livingroom. “I’m not Suzie Q. Homemaker here. I’m not Betty Crocker. I’m your cousin. And your parents aren’t paying me enough to cook your dinner and warm it up for you! That’s, like, double duty!”
    â€œWe’re really, really sorry,” I said.
    â€œSorry doesn’t cut the mayonnaise,” said Caitlyn, crossing her arms. “You two are so grounded.”
    â€œGrounded!?” cried Zeke.
    â€œFor the whole weekend. I’m going to miss a totally weehawken party, but it’ll be worth it to see your miserable faceplates going boo-hoo-hoo.”
    â€œBut you can’t do that,” said Zeke. He never knows when to shut up.
    Caitlyn grinned, a bad sign. “Oh, really?” she said. “ I’m in charge here, dinky doodle, and I think I’ve been way too easy on you. I’m giving Steffo the night off, and you’re on dish patrol.”
    â€œSheesh,” said Zeke.
    â€œNow get in there and eat your cold meat loaf,” she said. “March!”
    I could have told him. It’s no good arguing with Caitlyn when she’s in that mood. Or any mood, really. We marched.
    Â 
    After dinner, I studied my math book while Zeke cleaned the dishes (although the way he does them, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they ended up dirtier than when he started). Reviewing modes, means, and averages would be a big help if I got picked for the Mathletes team on Monday.
    (Not to be cocky, but I knew Mrs. Ricotta would pick me. I am her best math student, after all.)
    With homework double-checked, I switched the TV onto the news.
    â€œWhatcha watching?” came Zeke’s voice frombehind. “Something boring?”
    â€œThe news, Midget Boy,” I said. “Some of us like to know what’s going on.”
    â€œHah!” He flopped down on the couch. “What’s going on is you’re kissing up to Caitlyn. And I—”
    â€œI’m not listening ,” I said, turning up the volume.
    â€œâ€¦newest benefactor,” the blond reporter was saying. “Today he promised our town a new skating rink and amusement park. And why?”
    The camera showed a close-up of a moonfaced man wearing a huge cowboy hat. “It’s cuz ah purely lur-r-v-v-ve this town,” he drawled. “All of y’all are sweeter than a heap of pecan pie ice-cream sundaes with—”
    Zeke snatched the remote. “ Bo -ring.” He clicked to the