Owning Regina: Diary of my unxpected passion for another woman Read Free Page B

like saying guys on Wall Street should never wear suits because pimps wear them; the difference is huge, quality of fabric, accessories, attitude, and colors.
     
    Prissy clothes are fine too. I wear prissy sometimes. The right shoe for the right mood. Jenna can never switch it up. She’s all about the safety robot voice: “Must – protect – emotions - at - all - times. Passion – does – not - compute.” Every woman, every person has to reconcile their childhood issues with their sexuality somehow. Some women do this by extremely punishing workouts, running marathons, etc. Other people over eat. Some take to substance. We all have to cope. The thing about me is that I feel super content with my sexuality. It feels healthy. Maybe it’s dark. Maybe it’s compartmentalized and a little different. But I own it.
     
    Jenna wasn’t so lucky. As the big sister, she somehow was too overcome with the smiley environment to ever see another perspective.  It’s living in a fishbowl, all your life and not knowing there is anything beyond the glass. But my own fish bowl was placed on the windowsill looking over the San Francisco Bay. There was an exciting world out there… and it wasn’t all smiles. Like my emotions, some days were cloudy. Some were bright. I learned to embrace each one for its best qualities.  I love rain and fog and nasty thunderstorms. I love summer heat.
 
    My sister only likes cheery days. I feel like repressing expression and appreciation of life’s peaks and valleys will take its toll later in life in some form or another. It’s the Dutch boy and the dyke. You can hold back some water with your finger plugging a hole, but that only creates more pressure to do damage elsewhere. My family, and especially Jenna, has repressed their sexuality forever. It’s going to either blow or rot in them some how.
     
    Jenna would be mortified if she heard any of this! Doesn't she ever get horny? Geez.  I have to masturbate at least once each day!! I bet Jenna doesn't even own a vibrator. It would scare the crap out of her. In the old movies, I used to hear the word "frigid.” I never really knew what it meant.  But seeing Jenna and Mark, it's pretty frigid all right.
     
    Wow, after just re-reading this entry, it seems like I’m way more judgmental then her. I don’t mean to be that way. I guess it’s just a reaction to always feeling shut down whenever I let my real self shine, good, bad, or crazy. Sorry, Jen. I don’t mean to judge you.
     
    --- MONDAY MARCH 12 --- Star power
     
    My boss let me drive Nicole Kidman to the commercial shoot today. She was really nice. Everybody thought we were best buds or something because, even after arriving, she kind of leaned on me for stuff and felt comfortable hanging out with me during the shoot.  We get celebs from time to time, but this was the best. Gotta love her!
     
    I’m starting to like writing this diary. I guess I’m secretly writing it for eventual release into the public. Maybe when I die, someone will find it in my nightstand and publish it. It will be like Franz Kafka who wasn’t famous until he died when they found his writings. Only when they find mine, they’ll be like… “Breaking news: Nicole Kidman once had a secret lesbian affair with production coordinator from a shoot she was on.”
     
    --- TUESDAY MARCH 13 --- Prospect number one
     
    There was a cute guy eyeing me at the farmers’ market this morning. He had this amazing swimmer’s body and could pass for a model. We had immediate chemistry. After he bumped into me and knocked my smoothie over, I flirted with him. Joking around, I told him that I would have to punish him for that. And he flirted back with “Or I’ll have to punish you for being so adorable.”  He gave me his email address.  Who knows, this entry could be the first of many in a bright future with him. We’ll see. I’ll wait a couple days before emailing.
     
    --- WEDNESDAY MARCH 14 --- Yoga class
     
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