Only Strange People Go to Church Read Free Page B

got the right guy: death by baseball bat? It seems unduly harsh.
    Brian is also refusing to tell his father in what street the flashing occurred. They have argued, Phil tells Maria, Brian laughing and repeatedly punching ‘Goldenpubes, Goldenpubes, Goldenpubes’ into his voice simulator until his dad ‘wanted to smash the fucking thing to smithereens’. Brian, like any teenager, despises his father.
    The brothers Billy and Phil spend an ecstatically rage-filled day patrolling the streets of Hexton, but meet with no obvious sexual deviants. It must be too cold, or perhaps the sight of two heavily armed vigilantes is enough for the flasher to keep his willy in his pants.
    *
    Fiona knows where men keep their thing. They keep it in their pants. Mum says that’s fine by her so long as it stays there. The man is a bad man. He got his thing out and then ran away. But it’s not fair because Fiona wanted to see it. She saw Martin’s thing when they were at swimming lessons. The man’s was pink and small, like Martin’s. Fiona saw Martin’s thing when she climbed on the seat in her cubicle and looked over into his cubicle. She didn’t tell Maria that she saw Martin’s thing.
    Mum said Fiona was a bad girl. She said Fiona made Jenny cry about the baby’s strawberry. Mum says the strawberry is unlucky but it isn’t the end of the world. The strawberry is right beside the baby’s nose but it can’t eat it. No one can. Mum says she is sick of all the weeping and wailing about a tiny wee strawberry and she doesn’t want to hear another word about it. Mum says Sienna is a normal healthy child. She says Jenny should be grateful it’s only a birthmark and not a congenital mental defect. Jenny said Fiona can hold the baby but she’s not to squeeze it.
    Maria is taking Fiona to the pictures. Fiona loves Maria. The packets of crisps at the pictures are bigger than the packets at the centre. Fiona is worried that mum won’t let her go to the pictures.She is worried Maria will tell mum about the man’s strawberry. Mum will get mad. But Maria didn’t see the man’s strawberry. The man’s scarf fell down and Fiona saw it on his cheek but he pulled his scarf back up and Maria didn’t see it. The man is unlucky. Fiona is a good girl. She’s not going to tell about the man’s strawberry.

Chapter 5
    Maria is going to be late. She’s still to get the bus out to Hexton and she’s not even dressed yet. She has her appraisal meeting with Mike today. Due to the importance of this meeting it’s crucial that she arrive in plenty of time but, due to the importance of this meeting, she had to have an extra long meditation this morning. Two years ago Maria had sneaked a peek at her appraisal form after Mike’s summative comments. ‘ Head full of wee beasties ,’ he’d written. It’s a disgusting yet fascinating idea; cockroaches and beetles nibbling at her brain, blindly clambering over each other in the darkness under her skull, maggots sucking and sliding, bobsleighing the grooves in her cortex. But it isn’t true. As usual, Mike’s got it wrong. Maria’s head is full of much higher forms of life.
    Her usual routine is to enter meditation by lying on her bedroom carpet. The carpet has an unfashionably thick woolly pile, ideal for meditative purposes. Her flat is east facing which, in the morning, is a good thing. Between the bed and the chest of drawers there’s enough space, just, for her to lie down and catch the early morning light on her face.
    If she concentrates hard enough, Maria experiences bliss. Although she’s never actually tried any illegal drugs she has attended enough drug awareness workshops to understand that this sensation must be similar to that induced by ecstasy and other class As. Maria has no need of synthetic drugs; the pharmacy in her brain makes all the chemical cocktails she wants.
    From this happy place, beside a shimmering river designed in her imagination, Maria progresses to planning her day,