Once Upon a Time in Hell Read Free Page A

children."
    "Now I understand why we decided to go it alone."
    "The puppets were all hand carved, strung on wires and I would sit and play with them for hours, making up my own stories. That's probably where my love of stories came from. It was my most favoured possession. Until, like all children, I suddenly forgot about it and it was left to get tangled and jaded. But for those few months there was nothing I liked more than making them all dance to my stories. God to those little, clacking, people."
    Elisabeth smiled. "And now you know what they fell like?"
    "Absolutely," I nodded. "I wonder how your father's feeling? I can't imagine he's one for sitting quietly and waiting his turn."
    "The last I saw he was storming off in the direction of the Land Carriage, muttering. He'll be back soon, I'm sure."
    "He'll probably try and drive the thing through the town," said Billy, "smash his way into the ever-after."
    "You think you're joking," Elisabeth sighed.
    "What about our brotherhood?" I asked. "I imagine they're probably happily praying their appreciation heavenwards?"
    Elisabeth nodded towards the rear of the crowd where I could see them doing just that.
    "If they get an answer," Billy wondered, "maybe they'll be good enough to pass it on."
    "You're being frightfully dismissive of a God that's probably sat a few yards away," noted Elisabeth, her voice perfectly serious. "I wonder if that's a good idea."
    "If God is as all-powerful as I've been led to believe," said Billy, "he'll hear me clearly whether I'm sat here or in Tucson. Proximity ain't got a thing to do with it. Besides, I don't mean any harm. I'd hope he can take a joke."
    "We'll find out soon enough," I said. "That's a rather worrying thought isn't it? As long as God is speculative—or, at the very least, insubstantial—he's open to interpretation. He can be the wise beneficence Jesus spoke of or the terrifying brute that commanded Abraham to kill his son as a test for his faith. Who knows what he's really like?" "I hadn't thought about it," Elisabeth admitted, "until now."
    We looked towards the town and waited for our strings to be tugged once more.

6.
    "I T'S JUST PREPOSTEROUS ," announced Lord Forset, who had indeed returned, albeit sans Land Carriage. While this was a relief it might have allowed him to more easily bear the burden of the supplies he had brought: notebooks, tools, an Eastman Kodak box camera, a food hamper and a rifle.
    "Planning on shooting a cherub?" Billy asked, noting the rifle.
    "In my current mood I wouldn't rule anything out," Forset replied. "Everything I've ever read about Wormwood contradicts this farce of a situation. Organised walking tours of the after life? Ludicrous and utterly contrary to the principles of scientific exploration."
    "You don't know it's going to be quite that bad," Elisabeth said, hoping to reassure him.
    "No? Look at it. Like a crowd loitering outside the zoo, waiting for the ticket office to open. It won't do, it won't do at all."
    He sat down on one of the rocks and proceeded to mop at his face with his handkerchief.
    "When the town appeared in the Cotswolds, it was as a delicate miracle. Fading out of nowhere to the surprise of the locals, who were able to cautiously explore it before it vanished once more.
    This? Look at it. It's a massive spectacle, a theatrical nonsense put on for the pleasure of the gathered hordes."
    "You don't know for sure whether the Cotswolds appearance is even true," his daughter pointed out, "you only have one man's report to go on, after all." "My very point! Hardly going to happen this time is it? There will be shelves of books written on the subject by the time this lot have finished."
    "And you'll probably have written one of them," I pointed out, choosing not to mention that I would certainly be the author of another.
    "What does it matter?" asked Elisabeth. "Is a miracle only worth exploring in isolation?
    So it's not as well-guarded a secret as you expected..."
    I