Officer Spence Makes No Sense Read Free Page A

and jelly sandwich.”
    “No, but you’re an illegal alien!” shouted Officer Spence.
    “Well, that’s true,” admitted Mr. Granite as Officer Spence put handcuffs on him. “I am from the planet Etinarg.”
    “Are you going to send Mr. Granite to jail too?” asked Neil the nude kid.
    “No,” said Officer Spence.
    “Whew, that’s a relief!” said Andrea.
    “I don’t need to send him to jail,” Officer Spence told us. “I brought the jail here .”
    WHAT?!
    He went out in the hallway and came back in wheeling a big cage. It was sort of like a portable jail.
    “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
    “Where did you get that ?” I asked.
    “Rent-A-Jail,” said Officer Spence as he pushed Mr. Granite into the cell. “You can rent anything.”
    “This is not fair! You can’t do this!” Mr. Granite protested. “I have my rights!”
    “Yeah, you have the right to remainsilent,” said Officer Spence. “So shut up!”
    “Help! Help!” shouted Mr. Granite as the jail cell was wheeled away. “Let me ouuuuuuuuuutttttt !”

7
You Can’t Say “Butt” in a Children’s Book
    Well, it was sure shaping up to be an exciting day at Ella Mentry School! First our principal and vice principal were sent to jail. Then our teacher was arrested.
    We didn’t have much time to think about it, because we had to go to reading class with our reading specialist, Mr. Macky. I hate to read, but sometimes it’sfun, because Mr. Macky is wacky.
    “Open your books to page thirty-four,” Mr. Macky said. “Today we’re going to read a story called The Happy Bunny . Don’t you just love bunnies?”
    “Yes!” yelled all the girls.
    “No!” yelled all the boys.
    “‘Bixby the Bunny was a happy little bunny,’” Mr. Macky read from the book. “‘He loved to eat carrots and chase butterflies and frolic in the morning sun. But then one day—’”
    Mr. Macky didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence, because the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. Officer Spence burst into the room.

    “Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled. “Step away from that book and nobody gets hurt, Macky!”
    “Gasp!” everybody gasped.
    “What’s the problem?” asked Mr. Macky. “I was just reading The Happy Bunny to the kids. What did I do wrong?”
    “Don’t act all innocent!” shouted Officer Spence. “That story has the word ‘but’ in it!”
    “So?” Emily said.
    “What’s wrong with the word ‘but’?” asked Mr. Macky.
    “Don’t play cute with me, mister!” shouted Officer Spence. “I know what you meant.”
    “What did he mean?” asked Michael.
    “B-U-T-T!” spelled out Officer Spence. “And you can’t use the word B-U-T-T in a children’s book!”
    “I didn’t say B-U-T-T !” explained Mr. Macky. “I said B-U-T !”
    “Sounds like B-U-T-T to me,” said Officer Spence.
    “Sort of like ‘toe food’ and ‘tofu,’” I pointed out.
    “Quiet, Arlo!” said Andrea. “This is serious!”
    She was right, because Officer Spence went out in the hall and came back in wheeling another one of those portable jail cells.
    “Wait a minute!” Mr. Macky said. “What’s wrong with the word ‘butt’ anyway? It’s just a body part.”
    Officer Spence stopped and glared at Mr. Macky from way too close to his face.
    “Just a body part?” he said. “It’s the body part you sit on! So that makes it bad. We can’t have potty mouths like you teachingyoung children! If kids think it’s okay to say B-U-T-T , they might start saying other body parts, like E-L-B-O-W or E-A-R-L-O-B-E . And we can’t have that.”
    “Look for yourself!” Mr. Macky said, holding up The Happy Bunny . “It doesn’t even say B-U-T-T . It says B-U-T .”
    “It was a typo,” Officer Spence said. “They meant to write B-U-T-T . They forgot the second T .”
    “This is ridiculous!” said Mr. Macky. “I’m sure lots of books have that word in them.”
    “Lots of people rob banks!” Officer