Off the Cuff Read Free

all this free time when we’re not watching SportsCenter or having sex with women. I think that improves our clarity. Just kidding!
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    Seriously, though, all those years on the playground when all the other boys were making fun of me, I thought, “Oh my God! If only we had something in common!” And now here I am, building bridges, one manicure or trip to Barneys at a time. This book is just my way of reaching out and saying, “This comes from a place of love.” Or maybe it’s severe adolescent rejection. We’re going to get through this just fine if you just hold my hand, and step away from the pleated khakis.

The Ten Fashion Commandments According to Carson Kressley
    As we proceed on our magical journey to fabulousness, there are some rules for you to follow. Keep your hands inside the tram car at all times and don’t feed the animals.
    1. Disregard trends. You shouldn’t wear something just because it’s of the fashion moment. You have to be yourself, find what looks good on you, and embrace it, even if it’s not “in.” Be one with the penny loafer. The biggest fashion faux pas is trying to look like somebody else.
    2. Never underestimate the power of details. The last thing on is the first thing noticed. Food stains don’t count.
    3. Keep it simple, sassy! For the average guy, it’s about building a personal wardrobe that looks great on you. Don’t make it complicated. When you have a choice between two items, choose the simpler one.
    4. A garment should never be made of more than 25 percent of an unnatural fiber. A little bit of polyester isn’t going to kill you. A lot of polyester? That’s a different story.
    5. Experiment with style. If you make mistakes, life goes on.
    6. Never go shopping alone. You’ve got the store trying to sell you items and you’re not sure you look right. But if you have a friend along, you can always get an objective opinion from someone who knows you .
    7. Don’t overdo it. You want to be noticed for a look that’s yours, and not because you look clownish and inspire the Barnum and Bailey theme song. Overdoing it is like crying, “Oh, look at me!!” I bet you never thought you’d hear me of all people saying that. (“Hi, pot? It’s the kettle calling!”) I think it’s far better to be noticed for subtlety then for garishness.
    8. Never wear anything sheer. Let’s leave the exposed nipples to Janet Jackson, shall we? Thanks for the mammaries, Janet.
    9. Spend within reason. I encourage many trips to the mall or to your favorite fashion retailer. However, when shopping becomes an addiction, and you have to move every two weeks to flee creditors, you officially have a problem. There are two important things to hold on to in this world: your dignity and your personal credit rating. You don’t want to become American Express’ bee-atch.
    10. Cashmere is seasonless. Wear it in winter. Wear it in summer. Wear it to bed and to garden in for all I care, but cashmere is never, ever the wrong answer.

CHAPTER 1
    Shoes BAD SHOES, YOU LOSE, OR A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE CLOG
    WHEN IT COMES TO SHOES, IT’S PRETTY SIMPLE: BAD SHOES, YOU LOSE. AND WE’RE TALKING MORE THAN SELF-ESTEEM, PEOPLE!
    We’re talking jobs, girlfriends, respect. What you have on your feet can make or break any look ... and break your toes. Spend some money and get the best shoes you can afford. And for Gucci’s sake, make sure that they’re comfortable.
    Because as much as I love sassy shoes, bunions are a real bee-atch, people. Ending up in the podiatric emergency room can ruin Kwanzaa for everyone.
    With shoes, it’s all about quality, quality, quality. It’s better to have two or three pairs of good shoes that will last a long time than to have twenty-five pairs of generic-looking bargain brands. That’s especially true of your dress shoes, but you can slide a little on