Now You See Me Read Free Page A

years had passed since she’d sneaked into his van and still more years since the crash.
    â€˜You poor lamb,’ he said.
    â€˜Why?’
    â€˜You seem so lost,’ he said. ‘Can I call you Lamb?’
    â€˜Why?’
    â€˜It suits you.’
    â€˜K,’ I said.
    We found a department store in the centre of town and he flashed his plastic and got me a rucksack, sleeping bag, knickers, jeans and two sweaters. He must have known I didn’t have that much stuff before. All I’d had was my old satchel, and I still had that. I didn’t feel too bad about it. They were things I needed and after all, he had nearly got me killed. We went in another pub and then to a hotel. The room had thick grey wallpaper like rhino hide and a fierce clanking radiator.
    We lay on the bed and drank tea and watched TV. When I could get the arm out of my mind and stop thinking that it could have been me mashed to death – when I could get that out of my mind it was nice to be there with him. But I was worrying because the next thing to do was to have sex. And sure enough, after a while he rolled over and started to kiss me. The kissing was OK kissing with lots of different nips and sucks and licks not just his tongue rammed straight down my throat. It tasted very much of tobacco though, wet tobacco.
    I froze. I tried not to. I don’t know why or what happened. I kept my eyes open to look at him, his narrow lapiz eyes and crooked teeth, to tell myself I wanted this. He bought me all that stuff. I had to give him something back. But he ground his groin against me till it hurt and his sandpaper chin rubbed me raw. He put a condom on and tried to do it. But I had turned to stone. It was impossible. The trying hurt me and it must have hurt him too. I don’t know what was wrong. What was wrong with me that I turned to stone like that? I do not know.
    He stopped and looked at me for a minute before he rolled away. The look in his eyes. I couldn’t stand to see that look in anybody’s eyes again. He didn’t thump or shout at me, just looked and turned away, groaned and shuddered like a dog and finished on his own. I stared at the matted smudge of hair at the back of his head until he finished.
    He fastened his trousers with his back to me. He said he was going out to make a call. He could have made the call from the room but he went out. He didn’t say, but of course it was to his girlfriend. After me he’d be dying to get back to Sammy, hummus sandwiches and all. I could just imagine her arched eyebrows winging upwards when he told her about the crash. Or maybe he wouldn’t say. Who cares?
    He came back and didn’t look at me, just lit a cigarette. There was a No Smoking sign but I didn’t like to say. We watched TV but then the news came on about a fatal motorway pile-up and I heard a din in my ears like drums. He changed channels to some football match.
    When I woke in the morning he was gone. Well that’s not true because I did wake and hear him leave at five o’clock. I turned over and pretended to be asleep because what was there to say?

Two
    Best to be alone. Alone you can balance. You can concentrate. One foot after the other like a tightrope walker. You have to concentrate. You want no one hanging on your arm or your heart because then your balance is lost. Small and private and one thing after another thing with nothing strange. That is the way to be.
    I know no one because of that. And that is fine. You meet people of course you do. But you imagine a field around you like radioactivity. And they are outside the field, the shield. Though you have to be prepared. But sometimes a person can slip in when you’re not looking, not ready, when your head is somewhere else. Sometimes a person can hook straight in and put it all in danger – the order and the balance.
    I keep my balance like this. I clean. I live in the same place. I have lived in the same place